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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27901126">it's still beautiful</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohsun/pseuds/ohsun'>ohsun</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>college/frat au [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>EXO (Band), NCT (Band), SuperM (Korea Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst with a Happy Ending, Explicit Sexual Content, Getting Back Together, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Post-Break Up</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 17:42:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>28,045</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27901126</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohsun/pseuds/ohsun</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Because he’s still in love with his ex, and the feeling is <i>in</i> him and it hungers and it bleeds and no amount of encouragement is going to make it stop. Taeyong has to do that himself, without the help of his friends.</p><p>or: Baekhyun is long gone and moved on so why can't Taeyong forget him?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Byun Baekhyun/Lee Taeyong</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>college/frat au [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1932163</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>75</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>it's still beautiful</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>title from: it's still beautiful - highlight </p><p>thanks for your support on the previous installments of this series, as always, it has been a lot and i am very grateful and motivated to write this part! this work is part of a series and although it is not necessary to read all other parts to understand this one, some of the anecdotes/references/backstory will make more sense if you do. </p><p>warnings: smoking, referenced/mentioned cheating, alcohol, kissing/sex under the influence of alcohol, unhealthy coping mechanisms, implied alcohol abuse, side pairings mentioned in the rest of the series, former exo members make an appearance,</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“What’s all this?” Doyoung asks when he comes home that afternoon, stepping into the living room.  Johnny and Jaehyun are playing Fifa, but that’s not what’s drawing his attention. </p><p>Taeyong is sitting by the kitchen table, towel over his shoulders as Ten stands behind him, rubbing a silver blue substance over Taeyong’s scalp.</p><p>
“I’m dyeing my hair!” Taeyong announces cheerfully, holding out the platinum blonde dye in front of him. </p><p>“<em>I’m</em> dyeing your hair,” Ten corrects, grabbing the bottle and squirting out another blob of hair dye on Taeyong’s head. </p><p>Doyoung approaches him with apprehension, frowning as he looks at the packaging of the hair dye. A platinum blonde stares back at Taeyong with a blinding smile. </p><p>Taeyong thinks that if he turns out at least half as happy as the woman on the packaging, he’s still pretty well off.  </p><p>“Why?” Doyoung asks, still frowning. </p><p>“Because blondes have more fun,” Ten says, and Doyoung rolls his eyes. “He’ll look good, trust me, I can tell.”</p><p>“Of course,” Doyoung scoffs. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Doyoung asks carefully, looking at Taeyong instead. </p><p>Both Taeyong and Ten look at him in offense. </p><p>“I thought it might be nice,” Taeyong says, shrugging. “Besides, it’s just hair, it’ll grow back.” </p><p>“Yes, it will grow back. Black, like your natural hair colour, which will look ridiculous.” Doyoung reasons out loud.</p><p>“Is Doyoung always like this?” Ten asks, looking at Taeyong. “So… <em>boomer</em>?”</p><p>Taeyong giggles and Doyoung shakes his head to himself before going upstairs. </p><p>“It’ll look fine.” Ten assures, walking around to Taeyong to touch up the last of the forehead strands. </p><p>They’re on the third dyeing session, Taeyong’s hair proving to be very stubborn. </p><p>He hadn’t exactly planned on dyeing his hair, not until Ten suggested it. Ten will land a career in marketing, because he had convinced Taeyong something as simple as a new hair colour was the solution to all his problems (that, and it had been a better alternative than getting a haircut from Ten).</p><p>After Baekhyun left, Taeyong had thrown himself into all the official fraternity business he had gotten behind on. Ten, as the leader of Vision-Chi, had grown to become a friend, to a point where Ten would frequently come over for things unrelated to their fraternities, like this afternoon to dye his hair.</p><p>Ten was a good friend, in the sense that he didn’t ask questions and didn’t judge Taeyong’s decisions - but it was nothing like his friendship with Doyoung, who actually tried making sure Taeyong made the right decisions. </p><p>Naturally that meant Doyoung and Ten hated each other’s guts, not only because of their clash over Taeyong. There had been some <em>incidents</em> at parties in the past, most involving alcohol and Doyoung too stubborn to give up against Ten in a drinking contest. </p><p>Ten helps him rinse out his hair, drying it off a little to check that they’re in fact getting the right colour. It’s a silvery shade of blonde - exactly what Taeyong wanted, and he’s more than happy to see the result in the mirror. </p><p>After blow drying and styling his hair, Ten starts working on his make-up for the night. Taeyong is a little impatient and very antsy to get out of the house, but he lets Ten take his time to draw eyeliner on Taeyong’s lids and dust his cheeks in highlighter. </p><p>They are stopping by another frat house for a mandatory birthday celebration (and free booze) and none of Ten or Taeyong’s frat brothers have any interest in going with them - which leaves just the two of them, something Taeyong didn’t mind. </p><p>He always has fun when he goes out with Ten.</p><p>Tonight he gets to test his theory if blondes really do have more fun, starting off with three shots from a dusty kitchen table, Ten cheering him on with every gulp. They switch to wine after, sipping from cheap plastic red cups. </p><p>Ten exchanges words with people Taeyong can’t remember the name of and Taeyong mostly sticks to his side, letting himself be guided through a house full of unfamiliar faces as the night goes on. He enjoys this very much, seeing new faces, the action around him. It distracts him from everything he has to think about at home. </p><p>“Taeyong!” He’s surprised to hear someone calling his name, but feels relieved when he sees a familiar face approaching him. </p><p>Jongin’s whiskers have almost faded, but Taeyong can make out the outline on his cheeks.</p><p>“Jongin,” he greets back, pulling him in for a one armed hug. “Ten, this is Jongin, he’s from Chi-Epsilon. Jongin this is Ten, from Vision-Chi.” </p><p>Ten of course knows everyone, hugging Jongin shortly, making Taeyong’s introductions entirely unnecessary. </p><p>“Good to see you again.” </p><p>“How are you?” Taeyong asks, scooting up on the table he’s sitting on, urging Jongin to sit down next to him. </p><p>“Good!” Jongin says, nodding enthusiastically. “I’m driving, so I’m sober. It’s fun for a change.” </p><p>“So you’re not here alone?” Taeyong asks, and Jongin shakes his head.</p><p>“No, Junmyeon is here somewhere,” Taeyong tenses up at the mention of Jongin’s frat brother. He had hoped Jongin would be here with <em>anyone</em> else from Chi-Epsilon, but feared that since Junmyeon was their leader, he would most likely be present for birthday celebrations. </p><p>Taeyong doesn’t mind Junmyeon - he’s kind and he’s funny, a great addition at parties. He would love to see Junmyeon, if his last encounter with Junmyeon had not been dramatically unpleasant.</p><p>Four weeks ago, the night before Baekhyun was officially leaving, had been his last encounter with Junmyeon. </p><p>To no one’s surprise Taeyong had called Baekhyun that night. He wasn’t going to, not after Doyoung had taken away his phone to prevent him from calling - but then Johnny had left his phone on the kitchen counter after a heart to heart about living and letting go - and Taeyong wasn’t stupid and 140297 was the most predictable passcode for Johnny. </p><p>Taeyong thought it must be fate that wanted him with Baekhyun that night, if he was so easily able to find a workaround for his confiscated phone. He didn’t need to think twice about calling. </p><p>“Johnny?” Baekhyun had asked, confused when he answered the phone.</p><p>“No,” Taeyong had giggled, purring like a kitten, a little high on overcoming Doyoung’s obstacles, very much eager to talk to Baekhyun. </p><p>“Taeyong…” Baekhyun had said, equally as hopeful. </p><p>The conversation was easy from there on, because Taeyong always knew what to say and Baekhyun would never tell him no. </p><p>Just one last time, they had said about ten times already, trying to tie things up. </p><p>The weeks leading up to Baekhyun’s departure had been full of late nights in Taeyong’s bedroom, both trying to hide their feelings as each time they slept together became another attempt at goodbye. </p><p>So then this last night would be just that, just one more last time. </p><p>It didn’t feel final when Baekhyun showed up on his doorstep that night, the way they loved didn’t feel different from all the times before.</p><p>Baekhyun had held his hand as Taeyong straddled him, pressing their foreheads together, whispering sweet nothings that would be gone come morning. It wasn’t different from all the times they tried to make up but ended up tangled in the sheets, it was exactly like all those other late night ‘goodbyes’. </p><p>Only after Taeyong had felt like it was final. That the kiss that lingered on his lips was a kiss he would have to cherish for an indefinite amount of time, maybe forever.</p><p>He had felt it in the way that Baekhyun had stayed and pulled him close, as if any space between their bodies would make the other disappear. Thinking that this was their final goodbye, he had closed his eyes and allowed himself just one moment of this. He told himself he wouldn’t fall asleep, it was one of the few rules they had - no falling asleep together (thus no waking up together). </p><p>Friends with benefits didn’t do that. </p><p>Friends with benefits, still in love but not enough to stay - they shouldn’t fall asleep together. </p><p>They both knew better and yet, since it was the last time, maybe just one moment wouldn’t hurt.  Even if they did fall asleep, it wouldn’t change a thing. They could fall asleep and the morning would come and Baekhyun would leave and Taeyong wouldn’t have to dream about nights and mornings together anymore - because he would be gone. </p><p>He’d closed his eyes for just one moment, fully intending to stay awake and watch Baekhyun leave. He’d even started counting the seconds in his head, how much longer he would allow himself to stay there, each second laced with the heavy promise that this was the last time. </p><p>Before he reached thirty seconds he’d fallen asleep, and Baekhyun had been no better.  </p><p>The next morning they would pay for it, Baekhyun’s phone ringing with an angry Junmyeon who was wondering <em>where the fuck</em> Baekhyun was because they were leaving for the airport in thirty minutes and he had searched the entire house for him to no result. </p><p>And Taeyong would pay for it, watching Baekhyun put on his clothes without sparing him a glance. </p><p>There had been one moment where he was standing in the doorway, putting his keys back into his pocket, looking at Taeyong still naked and wrapped in his bedsheets. Taeyong knows him well, knows the look in his eyes when there’s something on the tip of his tongue that he’s yearning to say. </p><p>He’d looked like he wanted to say something more than ‘bye’, but he hadn’t even said that. </p><p>He’d just looked at Taeyong, and Taeyong had looked at him, and then he was gone.</p><p>His last encounter with Junmyeon had been unpleasant, yelling over the phone if he had lost his mind, what he was thinking letting Baekhyun stay over and potentially miss his flight that next morning. Taeyong hadn’t even thought that far, couldn’t even begin to consider Baekhyun had responsibilities to tend to that next day - to Taeyong he had been <em>gone</em>. </p><p>Still Taeyong had listened to Junmyeon’s yelling, apologised profusely for what he’d done  and hoped he could avoid Junmyeon for the near future. </p><p>Being scolded by Baekhyun’s brother wasn’t even the worst part of that day. When Junmyeon hung up on him, he had curled up in bed and cried. He’d cried so hard, he’d woken up the rest of his brothers. Doyoung had gotten into bed with him, held him as he cried even more, and they had spent the day together in bed, Taeyong hoping he would be able to function again come the next morning.</p><p>Except that had been weeks ago. Crying is not the first thing that comes to mind when he thinks back to that encounter with Junmyeon, at least not when he’s pleasantly drunk. Perhaps they can be civil now, Junmyeon looking completely unphased by Taeyong’s presence as he approaches him and Jongin. </p><p>“Hi!” He greets cheerfully, leaning against Jongin. “Taeyong, haven’t seen you in a while!” </p><p>Taeyong smiles pleasantly, nodding at Junmyeon. </p><p>“How are you?” He asks, knowing well Junmyeon is in the middle of writing his thesis and there is no way he feels anything but awful. It’s a pleasantry more than anything - if the knowing look on Junmyeon’s face is anything to go by. </p><p>“How are you holding up?” Junmyeon asks instead of answering. </p><p>Taeyong was hoping he wouldn't, but can also understand where he’s coming from. He probably hears both ends of the story - Baekhyun’s adventures abroad and Taeyong’s marathon moping that Doyoung relays to Junmyeon. </p><p>For someone that quit the love of their life cold-turkey Taeyong thinks he’s holding up pretty well. </p><p>He hasn’t talked to Baekhyun since he left, which makes it almost 4 weeks without any text messages or phone calls. He even has him blocked on all social media accounts, not because he holds anything against him - but because seeing Baekhyun’s usual posts of quaint cafes and selfies with friends would put him right back in square one, which is something he’s slowly but surely leaving.  </p><p>“I’m doing okay,” he decides. “I dyed my hair,” he adds, and Junmyeon looks at him up and down. </p><p>“Yeah, looks good on you.” He compliments with a friendly laugh, patting Taeyong on the back.</p><p>Taeyong does think he looks good, and can tell his lighter hair is an attention magnet, but he has absolutely no interest in any of the glances he gets. He’s really only out here to do his duty as a frat leader and drink, not to find someone to take home. </p><p>Taeyong almost wants to ask about Baekhyun, ask how he’s doing and ask if he’s settling well in Vancouver, on the other side of the continent. </p><p>He won’t do it because not only is it humiliating to be asking your ex’s friend how he’s doing, but also because he doesn’t want to hear the answer. Is Baekhyun miserable like Taeyong? Or is he absolutely fine?</p><p>He’s not sure what’s worse.</p><p>↔️</p><p>One month turns into three months and Taeyong thinks he’s recovered pretty well. </p><p>At first he struggled to sleep alone, but it’s something he’s been getting used to even before Baekhyun left and he’s adjusting the best he can. Whenever Doyoung allows it he’ll sneak into his bed and spend the night there, but Doyoung is rarely home these days. Even when Doyoung is home, there’s rarely any room for Taeyong in his bed, so Taeyong learns to sleep alone at night.</p><p>Donghyuck had paid him a surprise visit, staying for a week. As an <em>actual</em> older brother he had some standard to uphold, even if Donghyuck has never thought of him or his decisions highly. Still he had no choice but to take in his younger sibling when he shows up on their doorstep one evening, whining that their parents asked him to research university <em>stuff </em>and make a plan for when he graduates,</p><p>There’s not much to research. After hearing all about Taeyong’s stories, Donghyuck is certain that he does not want to try for a frat, he just wants to get his degree and get out of university, and Taeyong understands so most nights they play video games until it’s time to sleep.</p><p>Having Donghyuck around the house still really helps, it’s loud and distracting when he needs it. It’s driving Doyoung insane, but Taeyong finds it amusing more than anything else. With Donghyuck around he has certain responsibilities, to go to sleep at a normal hour and wake up early enough to cook him breakfast and pretend he didn’t cry last night. </p><p>He’s found other coping mechanisms too, one of those being drinking. It’s become a part time hobby, where during the week he will throw himself into his studies and all possible extra curricular one can possibly sign up for, and <em>not</em> think about Baekhyun, and on Friday and Saturday nights he will drink until he can’t think about anything but Baekhyun. </p><p>Which is why he’s here, enough shots to be pleasantly sedated, so much that he won’t remember standing in the middle of the kitchen table at Vision-Chi, belting his heart out to a poor remix of Summertime Sadness. </p><p>His heart beats fast, cheeks tainted red from the liquor, and his head is spinning with the intensity of it, the shots he just took to outdrink Ten at their living room bar making his legs wobble. Ten had won, but it doesn’t matter - he feels giddy all over, fingertips tingling as the room spins. </p><p>Most importantly, he feels alive, <em>unstoppable</em>. </p><p>Ten helps him down from the table when his legs get too unsteady, soothes a comforting hand down his back and urges him outside. It’s cold but not too chilly, the front porch crowded with lost party goers looking for some privacy.</p><p>“Sicheng!” Ten yells, throwing his hand up to wave in one of his brothers. </p><p>Sicheng comes over regardless of how unenthusiastic he is, letting Ten steal the cigarettes out of his pocket. His thin fingers go into the packet to get one out, sliding it over to Taeyong gracefully. </p><p>Taeyong puts his hand over the lighter, ducking down into Ten to hide from the wind and light his cigarette. Ten grabs his hand, presses the end of his cigarette to Taeyong’s and then takes a drag. </p><p>Ten’s cat-like eyes are drawing him in, eyeing him cautiously as he tips his head back to blow out smoke. Taeyong’s very easily lured in, latching their lips together and breathing the last hint of nicotine into Ten’s mouth. </p><p>Ten giggles softly, hand coming to grab Taeyong’s shirt to draw him in closer, pushing his tongue into his mouth. They kiss hastily and antsy, like Ten is trying to scratch that itch under Taeyong’s skin, before pulling away in need of air, Taeyong satisfying the itch with a long draw of his cigarette. </p><p>He kills the cigarette on an ashtray, sliding his cold hands into the pockets of his jeans. </p><p>Ten tries to kiss him again, but Taeyong ducks his head and lets Ten kiss his neck instead. Even if he might be into it, even if he can get his body to physically <em>want</em> him, it doesn’t mean that he does. </p><p>The first time Ten made advances on him he had gone along right to the point where Ten’s hands ran through his hair, and all he could think about was Baekhyun’s perfectly small hands tugging on it. It wouldn’t be fair on either of them to do anything, convenient and pleasant as it could have been, so he’d straight up told Ten the truth. </p><p>He knew Ten didn’t want someone with strings attached, and Taeyong knew <em>he</em> didn’t want anyone that wasn’t Baekhyun. </p><p>It hurts to be confronted with it, which is why Taeyong only kisses Ten when he’s drunk, anything else is too painful. Realising that he can’t <em>be</em> with people without thinking about Baekhyun, it’s not something he can dwell on with a sober mind. </p><p>He’s free to date whoever he wants, but the thought of being close with anyone that isn’t Baekhyun is something he can’t even consider when drunk. And that’s just the <em>thinking</em>, the feeling is even worse. He can’t let himself be with anyone else without feeling a tidal wave of regret crush him, like every fibre in his being is telling him that it’s <em>wrong</em>. </p><p>So he stands together with Ten, sharing body-heat as Ten finishes off his own cigarette, but that’s all he can do. He knows Ten doesn’t take it personally, knows that Ten has another five of them lined up if he really wanted someone, so it’s really only about Taeyong, giving him what he wants - that is another cigarette right now. </p><p>Ten is a good friend but Johnny an even better one as he approaches the two of them on the front porch. He’d forgotten who his designated driver for the night was, all the parties blurring together in his head. Usually it’s Johnny or Doyoung picking the shortest straw and getting stuck with the duty of picking Taeyong up at parties. It’s not a ride as much as it is for Taeyong’s own safety, his friends undeniably worried about his behaviour. </p><p>“Wanna go home,” Taeyong urges as he approaches his brother. Johnny just hums, his sprite long finished - probably waiting out Taeyong’s nightly festivities until they can go home together. </p><p>Taeyong says goodbye to Ten with a comfortingly long hug, before letting himself be escorted out to the car. </p><p>They drive in silence, radio on to distract them. </p><p>Johnny is so painfully sober that Taeyong’s not sure what to say. He <em>knows </em>his brothers are getting fed up with his behaviour yet ever too kind to say something about it. They’ll come and pick him up, babysit and take him home if necessary,  as long as Taeyong asks them to - but Johnny might be the first one to crack. </p><p>Taeyong can imagine why as Johnny helps him upstairs and into his bedroom, tells him to use some mouthwash and forces him to drink nearly a litre of water. It’s not that Taeyong can’t do it himself, but he gets caught up and sad when he’s alone, so Johnny stays with him until he’s sure he makes it to bed. </p><p>Johnny looks at him with that pitiful expression Taeyong will never quite get used to. He used to look at Johnny like that whenever he had to kick someone out of his bedroom, or whenever he came home with tacky love bites and no memory of who put them there. </p><p>Now Taeyong is the same, if not worse. </p><p>“Goodnight” is all he says, and Taeyong really wishes he could have a <em>good</em> night. </p><p>He rolls over to grab his phone on his nightstand, running very low on battery. He browses through his contacts, hovers over Baekhyun’s name, presses the icon and stares at the contact information. </p><p>It’s his old number - he knows that he has a new number now, but it’s the closest thing he has. He still doesn’t want to see his face on instagram, has blocked him and every single one of his friends, but these are just numbers - they’re absolutely safe to look at.</p><p>In fact, they’re safe to text as well, because Baekhyun doesn’t use this number anymore. </p><p>If he one day does switch back, then Taeyong will deal with the consequences of those piled up messages he sent, but he doesn’t actually see that day coming anytime soon, so he opens the conversation. </p><p>
  <strong>i miss you </strong>
</p><p>He types it out and hits send before his brain can process what he’s doing, but it doesn’t matter. He’s done this so many times before, essentially just texting a dead end now. No one’s going to read it - it’s become Taeyong’s personal diary on how to overcome heartbreak. </p><p>He’s not very good at it, if the past messages are anything to go by. </p><p>
  <strong>do you still think about me? </strong>
</p><p>He asks, more a question for himself than anyone else. It’s been nearly three months, and Taeyong is just dying to know if Baekhyun spent those three months feeling equally as miserable. </p><p>Out of spite, he almost wishes it upon him - but he knows Baekhyun isn’t like that. He can’t mope for longer than two days in a row, always easily forgiven or forgiving of others. Which is why Taeyong fears the answer to that question is no, and that hurts. </p><p>Texting a dead phone number is quite possibly his worst coping mechanism, but at least it’s something he does for himself. The messages aren’t for Baekhyun to see - they’re so Taeyong can write them down and let them leave his mind for long enough to fall asleep.</p><p>He stares at the screen. </p><p>There’s not much else he wants to type, because there’s nothing else he wants to say. He misses him, yes, but the first few weeks he missed the physical things. He could write epiphanies on how much and exactly what he missed, but that was back when the ache was still new. The more time goes by, the less he really knows what he’s missing. The ache in his chest has grown cold, to more of a dull stab now. </p><p>The screen falls dark, and Taeyong holds his phone away, staring up at the ceiling. The alarm clock on his nightstand says it’s just after 3 AM. </p><p>His phone display lights up suddenly, drawing his attention. He looks at the top of the screen, expecting a notification to roll down, but sees nothing. He frowns in confusion before it catches his eye. </p><p>Three little dots. </p><p>The typing indicator blares at him so very angrily, and Taeyong’s heart is in his throat in an instant, sitting upright in bed so fast he feels lightheaded. </p><p>Just as he spots it it’s gone, but his screen is still lit up - so he’s convinced there must have been something. </p><p>He stares at it for another five minutes, pressing it repeatedly any time it threatens to go dark. The typing indicator doesn’t come back, and it remains nothing but his one sided text conversation. </p><p>Maybe he hadn’t seen it right. He wasn’t sober after all, he could very well be making it up. Maybe it is wishful thinking - maybe the absence is finally driving him insane. </p><p>↔️</p><p>Taeyong’s doing pretty well, but there are still moments when he relapses, where it feels like he’s starting from square one, as if the wounds of Baekhyun leaving him are wide open again.</p><p>They usually come late at night when Taeyong’s thought a little too long about the dead end conversation he’s texting, or when the unslept side of the bed feels bigger than ever before. It makes him feel so small and pathetic, thinking about a man that’s left him months ago, someone who probably hasn’t spared him a single thought since he left. </p><p>He tries not to wake anyone up with his crying, tries to muffle them in his pillow as he curls up, feeling the hurt ache all over when he trashes in his sheets out of frustration. Even in his best attempts to keep quiet, the bedroom wall he shares with Doyoung is too thin to give much privacy. </p><p>Doyoung doesn’t knock, but the door creaks when he opens it and muffled footsteps come up to his bed.</p><p>“Taeyong,” he says, the pity tone to his voice as he reaches up to run a hand over Taeyong’s arm making him shiver. </p><p>Taeyong shakes him off, curling up in the sheets to inch away from him.</p><p>“Just leave me alone,” Taeyong breathes into his pillow, his voice strained by tears. “I am fine,” he says, punctuating each word with a soft sniffle. </p><p>It’s no secret to Taeyong or any of his brothers that he is, in fact, not fine. He feels like the human equivalent of a used coffee filter and he thinks they can all tell that the moments in between classes, extracurricular, fraternity activities and getting drunk are sparse, but when they occur, like tonight, they’re emotionally loaded. </p><p>“You’re not fine,” Doyoung reminds him, again and again, if not verbally next to him in bed then the way he looks at him at all times. He’s walking on eggshells around him, afraid that anything he says will be the final blow and Taeyong will have a dramatic breakdown, like he’ll capsize and take Doyoung down with him. </p><p>“I don’t want to talk to you,” Taeyong says, keeping his back turned to Doyoung. </p><p>“You have to let me help you,” Doyoung offers. </p><p>Something snaps inside Taeyong, throwing the duvet off and sitting upright in bed.</p><p>“I don’t have to let you do <em>anything</em>,” he bites out, raising his voice. “Having you do <em>everything</em> for me is exactly why I’m here. I can never be alone, I get too dependent on people too fast and then they <em>leave</em> and then I’m like this.” </p><p>Taeyong gestures at himself helplessly, hurt and anger lacing his voice. </p><p>“It’s not your fault that he left,” Doyoung offers. </p><p>“I couldn’t make him stay. When we broke up, he said I was <em>too much</em>, that we needed to spend more time apart, and I didn’t want that, so I broke things off, because I’d rather be apart than on a break, because I’m <em>too much</em>.” Taeyong cries, wiping furiously at his eyes as he struggles to get out the words. “But he’s right, I can’t be alone, and I get too attached. You have to <em>stop</em> letting me get attached, and you have to leave me alone.” </p><p>“Taeyong, please,” Doyoung tries. Taeyong is foolish for believing Doyoung would ever give up on him, like he would ever listen to a word Taeyong says when it’s so self deprecating. </p><p>“Just go,” Taeyong urges again, choking on a sob as he hugs his knee to his chest. </p><p>Except Doyoung doesn’t go, sitting still as he watches Taeyong. It’s so scrutinising, every tear that falls from Taeyong’s eyes another proven point that Doyoung is right, that Baekhyun wasn’t the one for him, and that he should’ve listened to Doyoung’s<em> I-told-you-so’s</em> about him. </p><p>“Go!” He yells, not caring who he wakes up. Doyoung still doesn’t move, perhaps really waiting to see Taeyong drown. </p><p>He reaches out to shove at Doyoung’s arm, not playful at all, fully intending to kick him out of his bed. Doyoung winces, falling backwards on the bed.</p><p>“Taeyong!” He yells back out of surprise, clearly not expecting him to fight back. </p><p>“What the fuck is going on here?” Johnny bellows out as he stands in the doorway. </p><p>“Doyoung won’t leave my room,” Taeyong says, tears falling from his eyes. “I asked him to leave, but he wouldn’t go.”</p><p>“Taeyong, please don’t-” Doyoung tries, but Taeyong’s digging his own grave with determination, shoving at Doyoung again. </p><p>“Okay, Doyoung, get out!” Johnny yells, yanking him up by his shoulder and ushering him out the doorway. Taeyong can hear them down the hallway, hushed whispers being spoken between the two of them. </p><p>Johnny comes back moments later, and Taeyong’s already filled with shame, with morbid regret over what he did to his best friend. </p><p>“What the fuck was that, Taeyong?” Johnny demands. “Everyone in this house is done dealing with your shit, Doyoung is <em>literally</em> the only one in your corner, he fucking guards your door at night to stop us from going in and asking you to stop crying so we can sleep. You do <em>not</em> want to push him away.”</p><p>Taeyong swallows down the bitter tears in his throat, nodding pathetically at Johnny’s words as he hugs his knees to his chest. </p><p>“Okay,” he mumbles pathetically, accepting his own defeat. </p><p>“Get yourself together, this is <em>not</em> Doyoung’s fault. Don’t blame him for it.” </p><p>Johnny doesn’t leave him much choice but to get himself together. Between the university workload and the parties, he can’t handle the hostile atmosphere inside his home. He decides that night that enough is enough, he’s done putting his shit on everyone else. Like he’d told himself, <em>he’s</em> the one that couldn’t make Baekhyun stay - he’s the one always asking too much of everyone, and that needs to change. </p><p>So Taeyong goes back to being fine. Not <em>fine</em>, but as good as it gets. He apologises to Doyoung over the next few days, explaining that the meltdown he had that one night was a particularly bad moment in which he wanted to be left alone, and Doyoung forgives him, and he stops worrying as much. </p><p>His brothers do not believe that he is fine, but at least they try to leave him alone about it. He doesn’t want to <em>talk</em> anymore, exhausted from all the encouraging words, sympathetic shoulders to cry on and the lame pick me ups. </p><p>Because he’s still in love with his ex, and the feeling is <em>in</em> him and it hungers and it bleeds and no amount of encouragement is going to make it stop. Taeyong has to do that himself, without the help of his friends. </p><p>↔️</p><p>One Sunday morning he wakes up feeling particularly well rested, the hangover from last night almost completely worn off by the litres of water that he drank last night before he slept. The small headache is nothing that won’t be cured with a couple of painkillers. </p><p>Perky as he is, he greets Jungwoo in the kitchen and traipses off into the direction of Doyoung’s bedroom. He creaks the door open, seeing a sleeping body in Doyoung’s bed, thinking he’s in luck. </p><p>As little as they talk nowadays, that’s nothing they cannot overcome. He’s missed lazy Sunday mornings with his best friend, and there’s a whole season of Stranger Things he’s been putting off watching until they have time, time which is <em>now</em>.</p><p>Doyoung is asleep on his front, face buried in one of the many pillows on his bed. </p><p>Taeyong lifts up the blankets, shuffling under quietly and savouring in the warmth of his best friend’s body as he inches closer. If he’s lucky he can go back to sleep if he just closes his eyes, wake up a couple hours later to someone cooking brunch. Doyoung seems to think the same, his hand coming around to grab Taeyong and pull him in closer.</p><p>Doyoung usually isn’t this clingy, but Taeyong thinks that they’ve just really missed each other, so he lets it be, nestling into the pillow to get comfortable as he cuddles back into Doyoung.</p><p>Things get <em>significantly</em> less comfortable when Doyoung comes out of the bathroom only minutes later. </p><p>Taeyong connects the dots a little too late, the hand on his side definitely too big to be Doyoung’s hand, something about the way Doyoung latches onto him is a little too intimate. </p><p>Doyoung is the first one to realise that Taeyong is not in bed with what he thinks is Doyoung, but with Doyoung’s boyfriend.</p><p>“What the fuck?” Doyoung says, eyes wide as he stares at the two of them. </p><p>Chanyeol is still asleep, even with Doyoung raising his voice, even with Taeyong slapping away his hand and sitting upright, rolling himself out of bed until he falls to the floor. </p><p>“What the fuck,” Taeyong agrees, staring between Chanyeol and Doyoung in surprise. “I thought that was you, what the… what are you even doing out of bed this early?” </p><p>“What are you doing <em>in </em>my bed this early, with <em>my </em>boyfriend?” Doyoung demands, still looking back and forth between Taeyong and Chanyeol with a mixture of shock and bewilderment.</p><p>“I wanted to talk to you - I didn’t even know he was here!” Taeyong argues, and Doyoung can’t help but laugh, shaking his head to himself. “I thought you were asleep so I wanted to just…” Taeyong trails off, gesturing back at his bed. </p><p>“I swear, he will sleep through anything,” Doyoung mumbles fondly, jabbing Chanyeol’s side. He stirs, whining in his sleep. </p><p>“I didn’t know he was here, I’ll just…” Taeyong says in embarrassment, hating to see the gentle way Doyoung coaxes Chanyeol awake, instead choosing to see himself out the door.</p><p>It’s not that he’s jealous. </p><p>Well, he is, but not of Doyoung or of Chanyeol. Doyoung deserves to be happy, and no one has ever made him as happy as Chanyeol has, so Taeyong is glad that they have each other - but it’s also precisely what bothers him about it. They have each other. </p><p>Taeyong has no one. The sight of Doyoung doting on his significant other is enough to make him feel sick and miserable with loneliness, so he leaves. </p><p>Johnny and Jaehyun are equally as gross (and loud about it), which leaves him in the kitchen with Jungwoo, who is trying to make coffee. It’s a great accomplishment for someone that stays clear of the kitchen, so he ends up helping Jungwoo make breakfast, laughing when he fails at some of the easiest tasks. </p><p>It’s still a pretty good Sunday. </p><p>↔️</p><p>“Is this an intervention?” Taeyong asks, looking up from his textbooks. </p><p>He is sitting by the dining table, pretending he doesn’t notice his brothers hovering around him, until Doyoung finally bites the bullet and sits down across from him.</p><p>“No,” Doyoung lies with a painfully obvious laugh. “We’re just worried about you.” </p><p>Of course they are. Taeyong snorts.</p><p>“You can’t expect me to take anything you say seriously, when you’re all so happily dating and I’m <em>alone</em>.” </p><p>Johnny seems to like that answer, looking at his brothers as if to say <em>I told you so.</em></p><p>Taeyong knows they discussed it, that they talk about him when they think he isn’t listening.  That he is sad, that he still isn’t handling his break up very well - but Taeyong makes damn sure that was all they could possibly have to say about him. He is on top of all his classes, always involved in fraternity business and never misses out on any activities. </p><p>He has everything figured out. He just can't figure out the heartbreak, or how to stop being sad - or how to stop thinking about <em>him</em>. </p><p>He just can't figure out how to be alone anymore. </p><p>“I am alone.” Jungwoo pipes up. He is standing behind Johnny, barely visible to Taeyong. “And I just think you might not be uhm... handling it well?” </p><p>Jungwoo is such a sweetheart. He does not deserve to be alone. </p><p>“I appreciate the concern, but I’m fine,” Taeyong promises with a smile.</p><p>It’s a lie, but at the same time - there’s nothing that points to it not being the truth. He is doing fine. He may look tired and be a little more snappy than usual, but he doesn’t need their help.</p><p>“Taeyong, we just think you-“ Jaehyun starts, but Taeyong doesn’t want to hear what they think, at all.</p><p>“Look, I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m on top of all my courses and frat events so please just leave me alone.” </p><p>“We’re not saying you’re doing something wrong,” Doyoung urges, “you just don’t look happy.”</p><p>“So?” Taeyong defends, standing up from the kitchen table as he snatches up his books. Doyoung flinches away, looking down shamefully. </p><p>“Would you be happy if Jaehyun moved to another country? Huh? Would you be happy if Chanyeol left you for someone else?” He spits at Johnny and Doyoung, slamming his book down on the table.</p><p>All of them look equally surprised, shocked and hurt at the same time, but Taeyong is too angry for the guilt. </p><p>He turns around and sprints up the stairs to his room, slamming the door shut and burying himself under the covers in his bed. </p><p>Then the tears come. </p><p>He sobs into his pillow to try and muffle the sounds, but knows how thin these walls are - knows there’s not much point in trying to hide it. He just doesn’t want to give his brothers the pleasure of being right. </p><p>He does not look happy, because he <em>is</em> not happy. He just wishes they would let him be unhappy in peace. </p><p>He grabs his phone, opens Baekhyun’s conversation and looks at the screen.</p><p>It’s still very much one sided, and he has to scroll up miles just to see any kind of response - messages that he sent Taeyong long before he left.</p><p>
  <strong>everyone thinks im unhappy</strong><br/>
<strong>because of you</strong><br/>
<strong>hope you feel bad </strong>
</p><p>Taeyong pauses for a moment, biting his lip as his thumb hovers over the send button.</p><p>
  <strong>it’s not really cause of you </strong><br/>
<strong>it’s cause ur gone</strong>
</p><p>↔️</p><p>“We have to take the kids out to more fraternity business,” Taeyong urges over dinner one evening. </p><p>The two kids in question, Jungwoo and Jaehyun - are technically not their kids anymore, but until they get new rushees after the summer, they’ll be Taeyong’s kids. </p><p>“Jungwoo needs to go out more, it’s good for the brotherhood spirit. We can’t just leave him to his own devices because we are busy with ourselves - he missed half a year already with his internship.”</p><p>“Um, Taeyong, I’m right here,” Jungwoo mumbles, awkwardly waving his hand. </p><p>“See, he’s right <em>here</em> he needs to go out more,”  Taeyong points out. </p><p>“I think you just want to go out, but you don’t want to do it alone,” Jaehyun offers sneakily. Taeyong might kill him.</p><p>“There’s a beer-pong contest tomorrow at Chi-Epsilon,” Johnny offers after a moment of silence. </p><p>That’s the last place Taeyong wants to go, but Johnny is certain of his words and looks at Taeyong expectantly. </p><p>He really shot himself in the foot with this one. </p><p>“Great,” he bites out before stuffing his mouth full of rice. </p><p>It’s just a house, it’s not like Taeyong is scared of it - but he knows it might bring back memories he doesn’t want. Taeyong is an adult. Memories he created in that place were just that, memories. He wouldn’t let them ruin quality time with his fraternity. </p><p>That Friday he gets dressed, spends time doing his hair and eye makeup before deeming himself decent enough to go out. Their whole frat is joining in for once, Johnny and Jaehyun piled up into the backseat of the car, Jungwoo in the passenger seat as Taeyong drives. </p><p>It’s a nice party. </p><p>Taeyong plays one round of beer pong and loses, pulling his designated driver card to avoid taking the loser shots. Instead he sits around and watches his brothers play, Doyoung missing every single throw and landing himself a whole row of shots he has to finish under everyone’s pitiful look. </p><p>When Doyoung finishes his punishment, he sits on the stairs half dazed, giggling at everything Taeyong says. One of the shots had gone all over his shirt, staining it in an ugly yellow splotch. </p><p>“Can you run upstairs and get me a new shirt?” Doyoung asks, and Taeyong agrees before he knows what he’s doing. He’s already halfway up the stairs when he realises he’s about to go into Chanyeol’s room, a room he used to share with Baekhyun.</p><p>The room isn’t much different now - maybe just <em>emptier. </em></p><p>There are less personal things thrown around the place, less signs of Baekhyun actually being there. The bed still looks the same, bed sheets painfully familiar. </p><p>His feet carry him to Baekhyun’s bed, carefully sitting down on it. He can’t help himself. Baekhyun’s bed still smells like him. All the clothes he’d accidentally left behind had long ago stopped smelling or feeling like him. But his bed, the sheets and his pillow - it was like he had never left. </p><p>Which is fantastic, because now Taeyong is a bed sniffer on top of all the pathetic qualities he already has. Still, in a rush of weekend desperation privileges, he will allow himself to indulge. </p><p>He grabs one of the pillows and pulls it to his chest, inhaling deeply. With his eyes closed it’s almost like he can picture Baekhyun is there with him, the scent enveloping him like a warm embrace. </p><p>It’s familiar, it’s safe, it’s <em>home</em>. </p><p>He sits for a moment, holding the pillow close to him, savouring the feeling and the silence, before deciding it’s enough. </p><p>He gets out his phone, going into his messages to open the conversation with Baekhyun. The last message he sent was this weekend, drunk and lonely as always, unread as always. </p><p>Scrolling up a bit, Taeyong is confronted with it again - how it's always just that, him sending messages that never get read - that never will be read, because Baekhyun doesn’t use this number anymore.</p><p>On a whim he stretches out on Baekhyun’s bed, leaning back against his pillow while he holds his phone out to take a selfie. It’s a cute picture, Taeyong’s blonde hair fanning out all over the pillow as he pouts at the camera. </p><p>Returning to the open conversation, he sends the photo without a second thought. </p><p>The messages have become more of a coping mechanism than they are an actual conversation, and he feels like he should capture this and add it as a new low. Besides, after sending it he can wipe it from his phone, and no one else will ever see him in this compromised position lest they open the conversation. He doesn’t even need to see the photo himself and be reminded of the emotional dependence he has on a dead end phone conversation.</p><p>He locks his phone, shoving it into the pocket of his jeans before he gets up. </p><p>He recognises a shirt on the other bed as Doyoung’s and grabs it. Before he heads out the door he checks his phone one last time. </p><p>There is one notification, but it’s a notification that has his heart beating fast, white hot panic shooting through his spine. </p><p>
  <strong>Baekhyun</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Missed Call</strong>
</p><p>↔️</p><p>“Baekhyun called me last night,” both Jaehyun and Johnny comically drop their spoons into their cereal bowls, splashing milk out on the kitchen table. </p><p>“What?” Johnny asks after a pause of silence.</p><p>Taeyong is equally as confused. </p><p>Last night he had almost called him back in panic, but stopped himself right as he was about to unlock his phone. He was afraid the notification would vanish if he did, and he really didn’t want to give himself anymore reason to think he was going crazy. </p><p>So he screenshotted the notification and unlocked his phone. He’d stared at the notification, memorised the timestamp, let his heart race a million miles an hour just by the three words on his phone screen, until Doyoung came upstairs in search of his shirt and Taeyong put his phone away.</p><p>He had thought about it all night, even as he drove home and got into his own bed. Every now and then he felt the need to check if he actually had a missed call, relieved to see Baekhyun’s name in his caller list. </p><p>It wasn’t until this morning that the initial happiness wore off. </p><p>Baekhyun had called him, which meant he still used that phone number, which meant he had seen every text message Taeyong had ever sent him, including the photo in his bed. </p><p>Taeyong had never been more humiliated in his life.</p><p>He felt so bad, that wallowing in his room waiting for the ground to swallow him wasn’t even an option anymore. He had to talk to someone about it, his victims being Jaehyun and Johnny.</p><p>“I didn’t know you two talked?” Jaehyun says tentatively, stirring through his milk. Johnny wipes down the splatters on Jaehyun’s hand. Their domesticity is a little embarrassing, but not so much that Taeyong forgets his own embarrassment. </p><p>“We don’t,” Taeyong concludes. </p><p>“Then why did he…” Jaehyun frowns in confusion. </p><p>So Taeyong tells them about his sad and pathetic existence once more, how he drunk texts Baekhyun all the time because he thinks Baekhyun doesn’t read it. He leaves out the details about the photo he sent last night - as his brothers surely won’t let him live that down. </p><p>“Baekhyun still uses the same number. He called me about Sehun’s birthday plans,” Johnny concludes. </p><p>“And you did not think to tell me?” Taeyong poses. </p><p>“I didn’t think you were still talking to him,” Johnny defends.</p><p>“Does it look like I’m over him?” Taeyong says, gesturing down at himself. </p><p>Anything from the hair colour to the bags under his eyes to the poor lifestyle choices - his brothers know him better than he knows himself. He shouldn’t have to say that he’s still miserable, still not over his ex even months later. </p><p>Jaehyun and Johnny remain silent. </p><p>“Did you call him back?” Jaehyun asks. Taeyong shakes his head. He’d wanted to, but there’s the photo clogging up the conversation and he just can’t bring himself to face that kind of humiliation. </p><p>If he calls him then he has to explain what he was doing in Baekhyun’s bed, why he was sniffing his pillow, why that is still something he does after months apart. It would be too crushing to talk about, so no, he <em>can’t </em>call him back. </p><p>“So you haven’t talked to him at all? For three months?” Jaehyun says, a hint of sad disbelief to his voice.</p><p>“He just said he sent like a hundred messages,” Johnny points out, and Jaehyun shakes his head.</p><p>“But he never answered?” </p><p>Taeyong shakes his head, only now realising Baekhyun probably spent nights just reading his messages, never considering responding - just leaving him be. </p><p>If he didn’t have enough reasons to forget about him, the sheer amount of humiliation should be enough to stay away now.</p><p>↔️</p><p>Taeyong doesn’t text him again. </p><p>He really wants to and some nights he almost does it, having mile long messages typed out that he then erases. He never sends the messages, because he doubts Baekhyun will reply - he prefers having the missed call as a final interaction in their chat. </p><p>It’s not just his pride, it’s a lesson he has to teach himself. He needs to stop drunk texting someone he can’t be dependent on anymore, because messaging him when he’s at his weakest feeds into the behaviour, creates more dependency. </p><p>Another month passes and Taeyong is sure that he’s starting to feel better. He drinks less, spends more time planning for their new rushees and tries to stick to his new routines. </p><p>One night he’s studying, a steaming cup of tea in his hands as he sits by his desk lamp and tries to get the information to stick in his brain. It’s late, already after midnight, but he’s not getting anywhere with his readings. His phone is on one of his books, serving as a welcoming distraction would he need it. The clock has just struck by one a.m. when his phone screen lights up. </p><p> <strong>New message</strong><br/>
<strong>Baekhyun</strong><br/>
<strong>I miss you </strong></p><p>Taeyong has to do a double take, staring at his phone until the screen dies down. He doesn’t know how fast to reach for it, unlocking it and going into his messages. </p><p>
  <strong>i miss you</strong><br/>
<strong>you haven’t said anything in a while</strong><br/>
<strong>i didnt mean to scare you off</strong><br/>
</p><p>Taeyong doesn’t believe what he’s seeing, staring at the typing indicator and messages popping up with wide eyes. After months of not hearing anything, the first thing Baekhyun says to him is <em>i miss you</em>. </p><p>It rips all the wounds right open. The lack of him that’s been tearing him in two is suddenly putting him back together, in the most fragmented ugly fitting pieces crushing together.</p><p>Taeyong feels nothing but hurt, confused and <em>stupid </em>hopeful now that Baekhyun has responded.</p><p>
  <strong>can i call you? i miss hearing ur voice</strong>
</p><p>Taeyong doesn’t take the liberty of freaking out about it, merely gripping his phone tighter as he stares at the screen. He is not going to have another missed call. </p><p>After what feels like hours his screen lights up. </p><p>Baekhyun’s photo comes into frame together with the incoming call title. Taeyong’s frozen up, staring at his phone, waiting out the multiple rings. Just as he’s about to hear the last one, he slides over the receiver and answers. </p><p>If it’s too late then that’s it - he’ll let it be. Clearly it wasn’t meant to be. If Baekhyun calls him twice and he misses both phone calls then it’s just not in the stars for them. </p><p>But it’s not too late. </p><p>He hears some fumbling in the other end before there’s a familiar breathless “hi”. </p><p>It’s him - it’s really him. </p><p>It’s Baekhyun’s voice and no matter how long it’s been since he last heard it, he recognises it in a heartbeat. </p><p>“Hi,” Taeyong replies. He feels a little breathless suddenly, nervously grasping the phone in his hands. </p><p>It’s silent for a long time then, but Taeyong doesn’t mind. Just knowing Baekhyun is on the other end of the phone is a lot to process, and the silence is helping him calm down. </p><p>“It’s-” Baekhyun starts, at the same time Taeyong wants to ask how he’s doing. They fall silent again, Taeyong giggling nervously. </p><p>“It’s late there, why are you still awake?” Baekhyun asks again after another pause. </p><p>“Studying,” Taeyong answers, but he’s long abandoned his books and is curled up on the window sill now, warm blanket draped over his lap. </p><p>Alone and pitiful he likes to sit here, looking at the stars, thinking that Baekhyun sees the same stars when he looks out of his window. That thought is long gone as he’s talking to him on the phone now. </p><p>“Of course,” Baekhyun murmurs. “Always working so hard.” </p><p>“What time is it there?” Taeyong asks even if he knows very well.</p><p>“Just past ten,” he answers. “I’m going out soon.”</p><p>Taeyong feels a little sad knowing that the conversation will be short lived, but maybe that’s for the better. “I don’t know why I called,” he admits after another pause, “just really missed hearing your voice, I guess.” </p><p>“Um,” Taeyong stammers, thinking of what to say. </p><p>I miss you too? Should he apologise for the photo? For all the messages he sent that he thought Baekhyun wouldn’t read? </p><p>“Yeah,” Taeyong agrees, humming. “I miss you too.” </p><p>There’s a hitch in Baekhyun’s voice, and it’s so quiet but Taeyong knows it so well, relieved to know he’s not alone on this. </p><p>“I need to get going,” Baekhyun concludes after another moment of silence. </p><p>Taeyong would object but just hearing Baekhyun’s voice for a moment is enough, he’s not sure he can take much more. So they say goodbye and that’s it - that was the phone call Taeyong had been waiting for for months.</p><p>↔️</p><p>It does not become a habit, that one phone call. </p><p>Taeyong doubts the call for a while, almost like he’d hallucinated hearing Baekhyun’s voice, but the timestamps of the phone call tell him that it happened. </p><p>He looks at it a little too often, but that’s all he does. </p><p>No more texting Baekhyun’s not-dead-number. Last time he stopped texting him Baekhyun had eventually come to him, so he was going to wait that out again. </p><p>It was proving to be harder than he thought, because now that they’d had one light hearted conversation he didn’t just miss Baekhyun with sick longing, but also just missed his voice, and missed <em>him</em>. It was more concrete now that the sound of his voice was fresh in his memory, only making it worse when Taeyong slept alone in his bed at night. </p><p>It was getting warmer, days becoming longer, and for the second time Beta-Chi and Epsilon-Chi were hosting a summer barbecue, this time in their backyard. </p><p>It was one of the last weeks of the semester, most of them either stressed from exams, deadlines or a combination of the both, and a good time to have one last nice evening together. </p><p>Most of them won’t be here over the summer, but Taeyong will keep his job at the library and spend his free time planning for their rushees or hanging out with Johnny, who also stays behind every summer. </p><p>Doyoung is off being an adult enjoying expensive city trips with his boyfriend, and Jaehyun’s parents are taking him away for the holidays. Jungwoo was offered another five months of his research program internship, so he wasn’t coming back to them over the summer either. </p><p>So Taeyong has been looking forward to this evening all week, and it turned out to be exactly what he needed. Time let him overcome any awkwardness with Baekhyun’s brothers, who more or less all see him as a friend and shower him in affection and compliments for the food he cooked tonight. </p><p>“What are your plans for the summer?” Junmyeon asks as they’re sitting together on one of the benches in their backyard. </p><p>It’s dark outside and a little chilly but Taeyong had brought out blankets for everyone and the grill had been turned into a small campfire, comfortably warming everyone. </p><p>“I’m staying here,” Taeyong answers, nodding to himself. “We’re taking on three new kids next semester, and I have my job at the library.” </p><p>“Of course,” Junmyeon nods. “Is everyone else leaving?” He gestures around their group of friends. The setting is kind of reminiscent of their ski-trip, except there’s less snow and less nosebleeds. </p><p>“Johnny’s staying,” Taeyong explains. “What about you?”</p><p>“I’m staying as well. I’ve got work here over the summer and Sehun has his internship. It’ll just be us, but we’re used to that by now.” Junmyeon explains. </p><p>“Jongin’s leaving too?” Taeyong asks, not knowing beforehand that it’s the wrong question to ask. </p><p>He can tell by Junmyeon’s hesitation to answer that he shouldn’t have asked, but he’s never been very good at taking hints. </p><p>“He’s going to visit Baekhyun.” </p><p>Right. Taeyong had thought about it briefly, but also told himself <em>not</em> to think about it. Technically Baekhyun did not have to come home over the summer, but Taeyong had secretly been hoping for it - something he’s going to deny from now on. </p><p>“He’s not coming home?” Taeyong asks. His voice doesn’t quiver, he swears it doesn’t. </p><p>“No, he got a job there over the summer, so he’s staying,” Taeyong nods, letting the information sink in. “You don’t talk to him?”</p><p>“No,” Taeyong says sharply, shaking his head. </p><p>“Oh,” Junmyeon says, nodding to himself as if to process the information. “Well he talks about you, a lot.” </p><p>Taeyong freezes, gripping the drink in his hand tighter. He talks about him? A lot? He almost doesn’t believe it, but Junmyeon wouldn’t lie to him. </p><p>“I…” Taeyong wants to say something, anything, but his head keeps playing those words over and over again. </p><p>Sehun calls Junmyeon over, which leaves Taeyong alone to think. </p><p>He thinks about Baekhyun, Baekhyun who doesn’t talk to him, but talks about him. Baekhyun who is not coming home for the summer. </p><p>Tears spring to his eyes, and a lazy summer night barbecue is not the place for them, so he excuses himself and goes back inside. It’s dark in his room and he gets into his bed to curl up under his sheets as he clutches his phone in his hands.</p><p>
  <strong>do you still think about me </strong>
</p><p>The screen goes black. Then it lights up again, and Baekhyun is calling him. </p><p>“Hi,” he breathes into the receiver. He puts Baekhyun on speaker, the phone resting on his chest. </p><p>“Hey,” Baekhyun greets back. “Are you okay?” </p><p>No. He’s not okay. Baekhyun’s friends are all here, at his house, and Baekhyun is not. </p><p>“You’re not coming home this summer,” Taeyong states. </p><p>There’s a long pause. </p><p>“You talked to Junmyeon,” Baekhyun confirms, and Taeyong’s heart sinks. </p><p>It’s silly, but a part of him was still secretly hoping that Junmyeon has just been misinformed - that Baekhyun would take this opportunity to prove him wrong. His weak romantic heart prays that maybe Baekhyun is lying. Maybe he’s planning to surprise Taeyong, show up at his doorstep one summer morning. </p><p>“I don’t think it would be good for us,”  Baekhyun states.</p><p>He’s right. Taeyong <em>knows </em>he’s right, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. Tears spring to his eyes as he thinks about it. </p><p>“Why?” He asks, even if he knows. There’s a hitch in his voice as he speaks, but he tries to breathe through it.</p><p>“If I come back, I’ll just have to leave again,” Baekhyun explains and Taeyong knows very well that he’s right, that it’ll only be worse if Baekhyun comes back only to walk out of his life again later. </p><p>It’s not a solution. </p><p>And yet Taeyong misses him, the physical need so strong that he just wants to hold him, feel him, taste him. It might hurt in the end, but if it means he gets to have Baekhyun for just a few days, then it would be worth it. </p><p>“But I miss you,” Taeyong’s voice cracks, a sniffle escaping his throat. He says it with so much sincerity, like he actually believes it makes a difference. </p><p>“I miss you too, baby,” Baekhyun murmurs, and Taeyong cracks at the pet name, sobbing loudly. “Don’t cry please, I’m sorry-”</p><p>“Shut up,” Taeyong says with a snotty voice. “Don’t make me sad if you don’t want me to cry.” </p><p>“Taeyong…” Baekhyun argues. “I never meant to make you sad, you know that.” </p><p>Taeyong says nothing, trying to quiet his sniffle. </p><p>“I still think about you,” Baekhyun promises, the message Taeyong sent suddenly coming back to him. “I never stopped.” </p><p>“Me neither,” Taeyong admits. He doesn’t have any dignity left anyways, he’s on the phone with his ex, crying. </p><p>“I can’t stop thinking about you,” Baekhyun says. There is an honesty to his voice that Taeyong has missed so deeply, it’s a pleasure just hearing it again. “Never, it’s always you.” </p><p>Taeyong almost feels <em>guilty </em>for living in Baekhyun’s mind like that even if they’re time zones apart. </p><p>“Even with someone else it’s still you on my mind,” Baekhyun admits, some hesitation to his voice.</p><p>“There’s others?” Taeyong’s panic ridden mind blurts out. He shouldn’t ask, it’s none of his business - he knows how much it’s going to hurt. </p><p>Baekhyun chuckles bitterly. “No,” he says. “I tried, but I haven’t been with anyone since you.” </p><p>Taeyong feels a combination of relief, euphoria and <em>longing</em> all at once, so overwhelming his heart might burst. </p><p>“Did you?” Baekhyun asks.</p><p>“I couldn’t,” Taeyong admits stupidly, ache in his voice now gone. “I tried, but they’re not you. They don’t feel like you.” </p><p>“Yeah,” Baekhyun agrees. “They don’t taste like you.” </p><p>Taeyongs heart stutters over a few beats. </p><p>“I’m sorry I can’t come home this summer,” he apologises again, changing the subject. </p><p>“It’s like you said, ‘s better,” Taeyong says, even if he’s far from convinced that it’s better. </p><p>“I miss you,” Baekhyun says, and Taeyong knows exactly how he feels, that physical longing nestled so very deep inside him. The kind of longing that makes everything feel awful simply because it isn’t Baekhyun.  </p><p><em>I love you </em>Taeyong wants to say before they hang up, but it’s better if they don’t. </p><p>↔️</p><p>The conversation changes something between them, because suddenly Taeyong wakes up to a text message from Baekhyun, apologising for last night and hoping he has a good day today. </p><p>It’s dated four a.m., back when Taeyong was fast asleep but when Baekhyun went to bed. </p><p>Taeyong plays the next card, when he’s at the campus cafe ordering a grande mocha latte with whip cream and extra sugars, he snaps a photo of it and attaches it to a message, saying they don’t make them like this in Vancouver. </p><p>Baekhyun responds with a photo of a sad black coffee cup on his desk, telling Taeyong to enjoy it extra much for his sake. </p><p>It’s simple, but it shifts something between them, where previously each interaction had been emotionally loaded there's now room for more casual, funny but heartfelt banter. </p><p>Over the summer they talk a lot, anything from simple messages to lengthy phone calls lasting deep into the night. Some days Taeyong sees the sunrise from his bed before Baekhyun hangs up, thinking that Baekhyun saw the very same sun set just moments before. </p><p>They talk about anything and everything - but it’s all friendly. </p><p>Taeyong talks about his courses, fraternity stuff, the events they’re planning for the new kids, and Baekhyun talks about his summer job, his own university work and the friends he’s made over there. Through one phone call he’s also introduced to Baekhyun’s roommate, Yifan, who talks in the background loud enough for Taeyong to ask who it is. </p><p>Then one evening Baekhyun texts him if they can video call, something they haven’t done before. Taeyong doesn’t hesitate a moment, putting his laptop out on his bed before hurrying into the bathroom to style his hair and pick out a shirt that doesn’t have stains on it. </p><p>The image is grainy when Baekhyun first appears on the screen but soon becomes a little clearer, Taeyong waving back at him stupidly. They send each other selfies and he has since unblocked Baekhyun’s Instagram, but it’s still different to see his face like this, and to see it move when he speaks. </p><p>Taeyong leans back comfortably on his bed and they talk about their days, the setting not much different from the hour long phone calls. </p><p>After almost half an hour of talking, Taeyong hears footsteps coming upstairs, soon barging into his room.</p><p>“Hey,” Doyoung says, eyes fixed on his phone. “Jaehyun’s made cereal for dinner, so I’m ordering pizza - what do you want?” </p><p>Doyoung only looks up after he says it, seeing Taeyong curled up on his bed with his laptop, Baekhyun on the other side of the screen. </p><p>“Oh,” Doyoung says stupidly, looking like a deer caught in headlights, before turning on his heel and walking out. </p><p>Taeyong and Baekhyun burst out in laughter after. “That was awkward,” Baekhyun concludes.</p><p>“To be fair he has very poor experiences walking in on us,” Taeyong admits, still laughing. “At least we are fully clothed this time.”</p><p>“Still entirely optional,” Baekhyun supplies with a wink. </p><p>“I need to go,” Taeyong says, shaking his head. “Dinner’s ready soon.” </p><p>“It was nice talking to you like this,” Baekhyun says, and Taeyong hums to agree. “Missed seeing your face.” </p><p>Taeyong doesn’t know why, but the simple compliment makes him blush really hard.</p><p>“Let’s call again soon, yeah?” Taeyong suggests, before they decide to end the call. </p><p>Later, when they’re sitting around the dinner table, Doyoung watches him. He doesn’t say anything, but he can feel Doyoung’s eyes on him. </p><p>Jaehyun is eating cereal, because that’s dinner for him (“it’s just cold soup, Taeyong”), while the rest are having pizza - except for Johnny who doesn’t eat much, instead looking at Jaehyun like he hung the fucking moon as milk drips out his mouth. </p><p>“You can ask,” Taeyong says, eyeing Doyoung across the table. It’s better than watching dumb and dumber make heart eyes at each other. </p><p>“I didn’t know you were talking again,” Doyoung takes the opportunity right away. “Are you back together?” </p><p>Taeyong chuckles. </p><p>It’s so Doyoung to ask, who probably doesn’t know any better than being single or together. It’s all black and white to him, and Taeyong doesn’t even want to begin explaining the grey area he and Baekhyun are currently in. </p><p>They’re not together, but they’re in love - and they’re not seeing anyone else. Adding anything more to that given their current situation would be too much and ultimately go wrong.</p><p>“No,” Taeyong just says, shaking his head. “We’re just friends.” He explains.</p><p>Johnny snorts. “Right.” </p><p>“We are!” Taeyong says, putting his hands up in defense. “We just talk.” </p><p>Now it’s Jaehyun’s turn to look at him judgingly, and it’s always this way, Jaehyun’s annoying knowing look, the way his eyes narrow down and the way it crawls down Taeyong’s spine.</p><p>“It’s just talking,” he says again. “But we’re… civil again.” </p><p>“Good,” Jaehyun says, giggling. Johnny reaches over with a napkin to wipe some milk from his lips. “Doyoung won’t say it, but you’ve been happier lately.” </p><p>Doyoung looks guilty as charged, and Taeyong laughs at his brothers - it feels good to finally be able to mention Baekhyun so casually, and that his brothers can talk about it without awkward silences or concerned glances. </p><p>Most importantly, it means that he and Baekhyun have made progress. </p><p>↔️</p><p>The summer goes by smoothly. </p><p>Taeyong talks to Baekhyun, works, and spends time with Johnny, the only brother that is still at home. Before he knows it it’s early September and freshers week kicks off, which means a small army of late teen boys are camping in their backyard, hoping to join their fraternity. </p><p>He ends up with nine serious applicants, all of them vaguely familiar faces from that one bonfire initiation party. He sorts through the applications with Doyoung, and they settle for the three they remember best - the ones that had made a lasting impression. </p><p>There’s Jeno, the middle kid - he’s cute and a great listener and takes everything Doyoung says a little too seriously, which becomes one of Doyoung’s greatest pleasures, so they take him on. </p><p>He seems to get along well with their youngest rushee, Jaemin. Jaemin is a little louder and bolder than Jeno, a younger but less shy version of Jaehyun. Taeyong loves him instantly, admiring how easygoing and open he is. Taeyong teaches him five cocktail recipes (one for every night they camp in their backyard), and on the last night he makes five cocktails that all taste better than Taeyongs.</p><p>Then there’s Mark, the eldest of the three. He’s a little awkward and clueless in the way that Johnny had been when Taeyong first met him, but he’s funny and very eager to learn (they’ll get the fried egg down at some point). </p><p>So those are Taeyong’s three new kids, and he’s so eager for them to move in. They’ll run out of bedrooms (Jungwoo’s still full even if he’s not currently living with them), which means two of the rushees will have to share - they leave it up to them as an awkward first challenge to figure out who. </p><p>Taeyong spends one day helping his younger brother Donghyuck move into one of the dorms on campus, meeting a very snobby roommate that they both instantly hate. Donghyuck knows he’s always welcome to stay with Taeyong, even if he’s not a brother in spirit, he’s still a brother in blood. </p><p>Donghyuck doesn’t even consider it, hating the ridiculousness of all that has to do with brotherhood. It’s just like when they were kids, Donghyuck always wanting the opposite of Taeyong. </p><p>Things change around them and it feels good, positive changes. The Taeyong that had been drunk every weekend and spent weeks unable to sleep because of his ex boyfriend was gone, replaced by a much happier and energetic Taeyong. </p><p>It’s not <em>just</em> that things change around him, things change between him and Baekhyun.</p><p>They haven’t explicitly talked about it but their conversations have turned  the tension between them into a mutual understanding of <em>soon</em>.</p><p>Just a couple more months until he’s back, and <em>then</em>, well then they’ll do all the things they mention they can’t do right now. Because they make plans now, nothing concrete, just small hints of “let’s watch that together when you get back”, or that new on campus cafe that has the best ice lattes Taeyong’s ever tasted, that he will show Baekhyun when he’s back. </p><p>So they’re <em>counting down,</em> albeit silently and mostly Taeyong’s work, even setting a stupid timer on his phone. Just 167 days until the second semester of Baekhyun’s exchange ends and he is coming home.</p><p>Of course there are still bad moments when the longing gets a little too much, and Taeyong’s too tired to rationalise it and wants nothing more to curl up in bed and cry. </p><p>It’s usually whenever Johnny and Jaehyun are arguing and Taeyong wants to yell at them that they have no idea how lucky they are that they get to live in the same country as their significant other, let alone under the same roof. </p><p>He doesn’t yell, instead calls Baekhyun and hears his voice - something that does wonders to Taeyong’s mood and helps him think of that countdown, that it’s just a couple more months. </p><p>↔️</p><p>It’s Halloween. </p><p>The house is <em>loud</em> even if it’s only seven in the evening, the preparations for everyone’s costumes starting hours ago. Taeyong had put out a bowl of homemade punch they would be pre-drinking, the rest of the drinks stored away for later when guests would be arriving. The living room was almost void of furniture, a dance floor cleared out for the crowd of people coming over tonight. </p><p>Taeyong has already changed into the right clothes, black leather leggings with a black tank, leather harness fastened around it. The harness he had borrowed from Ten but the rest of the clothing were actually his own, including the black lace cat ear diadem he had on top of his head. </p><p>Traditionally Doyoung and Taeyong dressed up as bunny and cat, which they’d been doing since they were young. </p><p>As they got older the costumes went through a midlife crisis in terms of sexiness, but Taeyong was competitive - the leather harness a new addition this year. He’s dyed his hair blonde once again, as it makes the black cat ears stand out. He’s become quite comfortable in the colour even if he’s unconvinced blondes have more fun. </p><p>Doyoung’s bunny costume was about 10% of what it had once been length wise, the bottoms cut into white soft shorts, the round bunny tail sown on after it fell off last year. His entire costume was white, a nice contrast from Taeyong’s leather attire - they’d always stuck to this colour scheme, fitting well together for every Halloween for as long as Taeyong can remember. </p><p>“Sit still,” Doyoung commands as Taeyong accidentally scrunches his nose up, Doyoung’s breath tickling his face. “I can’t draw straight like this.” </p><p>“Can you ever draw straight?” Jaehyun asks. He’s sitting next to them on his bed, playing with the poke ball keychain hanging on the belt loop of his skirt. </p><p>“Shut up” Doyoung grits out, focusing his attention on the sharpie in Taeyong’s face. </p><p>When Taeyong is supplied with whiskers and a button nose, he looks in the mirror and has a moment of deja vu. </p><p>All the times Baekhyun drew these on him before they went out, all the times he drew them on and they never made it out of bed. Taeyong relives the memory with a hint of sadness, but he’s too excited for tonight to let that wear him down. </p><p>It's Doyoung’s turn now, Taeyong grabbing the sharpie from him and helping him lie down. </p><p>Johnny comes out of the bathroom, struggling and failing to zip up the shirt he’s just put on. Jaehyun gets up to help him and Taeyong rolls his eyes at their domesticity. It’s still a little sickening sometimes, reinforcing the rules that technically you <em>shouldn’t </em>date your brothers. Taeyong lets it slide, focusing on helping Doyoung with his whiskers instead. </p><p>The bunny whiskers are significantly different to Taeyong’s own, placed on the very end of Doyoung’s cheeks instead of next to the nose. Taeyong does his best to draw them in correctly, finishing it off with a pink button nose. </p><p>Johnny and Jaehyun finally look ready to go. Every year their costume is minimal effort, until this year when they discovered they could wear couple costumes. It’s how Jaehyun ended up with pink hair, a short skirt, crop top and thigh highs, and Johnny with the same crop top with the letter ‘R’ on it, hair spray painted a silvery purple. </p><p>After having the debate on whether Jessie and James were lovers or siblings, Taeyong and Doyoung had deemed it appropriate for them to dress up as Team Rocket, which they’d made their own personal mission. Jaehyun had even taken out his sewing kit and made them the matching crop tops. </p><p>They’d tried convincing any of the kids to be their Meowth, but no one was interested in the third wheel position of the year - which left the two of them. </p><p>Mark is dressed up as a bee, an easy decision after Donghyuck had made the wordplay on his name. Donghyuck's choice of costume had been easy after that - a pretty sunflower, if only to see the way Mark suffered when Johnny pointed out that bees suck the nectar out of flowers. Jaemin and Jeno are predictably dressed like kingsmen, recycling their prom suits for better use. </p><p>The night goes by way too quickly, Taeyong welcoming about a hundred people into his house that all help themselves to a drink. He’s glad he locked the door to his room and is gatekeeping the key in his pocket, hoping he doesn’t find it trashed when he returns.</p><p>Throughout the night Taeyong tries to find a moment of quietness to excuse himself to his bedroom. The party is still loud when Taeyong goes up to his room, which is still blissfully empty. </p><p>He checks his phone, some messages from friends asking when it’s okay to arrive but one message from Baekhyun standing out. Before the party he had sent Baekhyun a selfie of his outfit, for which he was now reading the responses. </p><p>
  <strong>cuteeee</strong><br/>
<strong>miss drawing those on you </strong><br/>
<strong>miss taking stuff off you as well</strong><br/>
</p><p>Taeyong blushes slightly, biting his lip. </p><p>He thinks of a reply, typing out a few things but constantly going back. Instead he takes the chance and hits the video call button.</p><p>The phone starts ringing, and Taeyong places it down on his nightstand, then stretching over the side of his bed to grab the tripod from the floor next to his bed. The tripod had been one of his best investments, meaning he can video call Baekhyun without getting carpal tunnel syndrome. </p><p>It’s a less than flattering position, the way Taeyong is on his hands and knees, pushing forward to grab the tripod without actually getting out of bed, the way he answers the phone and appears on Baekhyun’s screen.</p><p>“Hi,” Taeyong says with a giggle, fixing his phone so it stands better on the tripod. </p><p>“Yes, hello to you too,” Baekhyun says with a laugh. “You look good,” he goes, as Taeyong sits down cross legged in front of the camera, looking down at what he’s wearing. </p><p>He tugs on the rings of the harness, adjusting it on his chest. “Yeah?” He asks, looking up at the pixel image of Baekhyun. “You like it?” </p><p>Baekhyun does seem to like it, eyes drawn to Taeyong’s hands as he runs them up and down the leather straps. </p><p>“Fuck, you look so sexy,” Baekhyun breathes out, finally looking back up at Taeyong’s face. “If I book a ticket home right now, will you keep it on until I'm there to take it off you?” </p><p>Taeyong giggles, a hint of arousal stirring in his belly. He looks down at his hands coyly, pretending to consider it. </p><p>“No,” he says with a hum, pursing his lips. “But I can take it off for you, right now?” Taeyong offers.</p><p>“Fuck,” Baekhyun curses, the phone dropping a little and shifting the view around what appears to be a a bathroom stall. “I’m in a public bathroom.” </p><p>“So?” Taeyong asks. “It’s not like we haven’t done that before.” </p><p>“You are gonna be the death of me,” Baekhyun says in one breath but Taeyong is already looking at the straps on the harness, figuring out how he’s going to take it off while still looking good on camera. </p><p>“Do you like my whiskers?” Taeyong asks innocently as he works on one of the straps. </p><p>“<em>Taeyong,</em>” Baekhyun warns. </p><p>“Doyoung did them,” Taeyong explains, “but I kind of wish it was you,” he goes on, the surge of confidence fuelling his fire as he works on getting the harness off. </p><p>“Don’t think I’d be wearing this if you did.” He says, successfully unfastened another strap. “Don’t think we’d make it out of bed.” </p><p>“You wouldn’t be going anywhere looking like that,” Baekhyun agrees, his voice a little strained. </p><p>Taeyong finally gets the piece of work off, about to start teasing with the hem of his shirt when the door to his room bursts open. </p><p>Mortified, Taeyong quickly drops his shirt and knocks over the tripod.</p><p>“Taeyong!” It’s Mark standing in the doorway to his room, eyes blown in panic. “I’m sorry just wanted to tell you we ran out of tequila. Johnny said you bought another box but I couldn’t find it.” </p><p>Right. The party. His fraternity. </p><p>He should probably be attending to that, rather than having phone sex with his boyfriend. </p><p>“I’ll be there in a moment,” Taeyong promises, watching Mark leave and shut the door before picking up his phone again. “Sorry,” he apologises, but Baekhyun is laughing.</p><p>“I think you scarred him,” Baekhyun urges. “Like permanently, he looked terrified.” </p><p>“I was fully dressed!” Taeyong objects, pulling the harness back on. </p><p>“He looked more terrified of what could have possibly happened if he walked in five minutes later.”</p><p>“Well we won’t know that now, will we?” Taeyong poses, taking his phone out of the tripod. Baekhyun gets a good view of his ceiling while he does so. </p><p>“Call me tonight,” Baekhyun urges, “before you go to sleep. No video, just wanna hear your voice.” </p><p>Taeyong’s heart flutters. </p><p>“Deal,” he agrees, waving goodbye before hanging up the phone. </p><p>↔️</p><p>The days start getting shorter and colder, and Taeyong starts missing Baekhyun even more. Sleeping in alone in a bed that’s cold, waking up alone while it’s still dark out is hard and he envies all his friends that don’t have to do it. </p><p>Their new rushees are the only ones who aren’t love-stupid, so he spends most of his time with them, taking them out to frat parties and becoming the wine aunt that he’s always wanted to be. </p><p>It’s at one of those parties that Mark, incredibly drunk, confronts him about his long distance relationship (which technically isn’t a relationship), asking how the hell they keep that together. </p><p>“It’s not easy,” Taeyong admits, also a little tipsy - tipsy enough to openly talk about his relationship. </p><p>“Don’t you just… go insane with how much you <em>want</em> them? And you can’t have it? Isn’t that frustrating.” </p><p>“Yes,” Taeyong agrees. “But they’re coming back, which makes it overseeable and that much better when they return.” </p><p>Except this is Mark, and this is the wrong thing to say, Taeyong realised belatedly. Tears spring to the younger eyes, which he furiously tries to blink away. </p><p>“Donghyuck will come back,” Taeyong promises, gently running a hand over Mark’s shoulder. </p><p>“But not for me,” Mark says, as if he’s just realising this. </p><p>Taeyong feels for him, he really does - Mark’s a good kid, he deserves someone that doesn’t walk all over him. Donghyuck is not that someone. </p><p>“Come on, let’s go outside.” </p><p>They go out on the front porch, where Ten is sitting on a bench. They sit down together, Mark slumping in on himself as he leans into Taeyong for support.</p><p>“Rough night?” Ten asks. Taeyong pats Mark’s head. “You want a smoke?” </p><p>Taeyong eyes the cigarette Ten offers him cautiously. </p><p>It used to be a given, he would go out with Ten and smoke and drink until he couldn’t remember his own name. Anything to forget. </p><p>It’s different now, but the sentiment is still the same. Ten is offering an out.</p><p>It’s still tempting - it’s not easy being countries apart with nothing but grainy video calls. Nothing between them had ever been easy, so Taeyong didn’t think much of it. Others, like Mark, would probably have a more difficult time. </p><p>“No thanks,” Taeyong says, pushing Ten’s hands down gently. Ten isn’t surprised, but there’s a knowing look on his face. </p><p>“So, you’ve made up?” Ten asks casually as he gets to his feet. He lights his cigarette and leans against the railing, breathing the smoke out into the night. </p><p>“Kind of,” Taeyong admits, biting his lip. </p><p>Ten had become a close friend over the past few months, but with Taeyong adopting a more sober lifestyle and Ten <em>not</em>, they’d drifted apart a little. They hadn’t really talked about Baekhyun, only in the context of Taeyong sobbing and Ten comforting him until they fell asleep. “We’re talking again.” </p><p>“That’s good.” Ten says, nodding. Taeyong can’t tell if he’s lying or not. </p><p>“I’m serious, I think you two are good together.” He doesn’t have to say it, Taeyong doesn’t need the comfort anymore, but it’s heartwarming all the same. “He’s coming home for Christmas?” </p><p>Taeyong bites his lip, shaking his head. “No, his last exam is the 24th, so he wouldn’t make it on time.” </p><p>Ten, the last person in the world Taeyong would peg to be a Christmas enthusiast, looks a little sad at this. “That sucks.” </p><p>“Yeah,” Taeyong agrees, but he’d come to terms with it already. Romantic christmas movies are just that, movies. Not everyone has to come home for Christmas. </p><p>“So you’re visiting him?” Ten asks.</p><p>Taeyong falls silent. </p><p>He hadn’t thought about that. When Baekhyun said he couldn’t come home for Christmas, it technically didn’t mean that Taeyong couldn’t see him. Baekhyun hadn’t mentioned it but Taeyong thinks he’s probably just as clueless as him. </p><p>“I hadn’t thought about that,” Taeyong admits sheepishly, an unmistakable sliver of hope in his voice. </p><p>“Why not? You have a passport, I’m sure he has a bed you can stay in, or you can <em>share</em>,” Ten wiggles his eyebrows seductively, and Taeyong snorts. Still, the thought is planted in his head, and it won’t leave him alone.</p><p>What if he visits Baekhyun for Christmas? </p><p>He technically has plans with his parents, but they’d understand if he bailed on them for a trip like that. Besides, they have another son in university that they can dote on when he gets home. </p><p>“I’ll think about it,” Taeyong admits. </p><p>Mark mumbles something unintelligible and Taeyong remembers he is still here. “Can you watch Mark for a second, I’m going to get the rest, and we can go home.” </p><p>When he comes home, he turns on the lamp by his desk and rummages through the drawers until he finds his passport. Under the faint light he checks the expiration date, and breathes in relief when he sees he’s good for another year. </p><p>It makes his plan a little bit more realistic, and Taeyong falls asleep with a tiny spark of hope. </p><p>↔️</p><p>It remains just that, an idea. </p><p>Although Taeyong looks up flights that next morning, it’s not just the financial burden that’s holding him back - it’s asking Baekhyun for it. Baekhyun hadn’t invited him (which could be because, like Taeyong, he hadn’t thought of it), which means he would have to bring it up himself, and perhaps face the rejection of it over a grainy image on screen. He’s not sure he could do that. </p><p>He doesn’t know why Baekhyun <em>would</em> reject him, but it’s Baekhyun, Taeyong has never been very good at predicting him. </p><p>Their relationship has never been simple. </p><p>Where Ten would assume it’s a given Baekhyun wants him there for Christmas, Taeyong has his doubts.</p><p>So the idea sits in the back of his head, but it’s not something he dares to discuss with Baekhyun. If he tells either of his brothers and their romantic idealist hearts, they’ll never let him live it down - so he tells no one.</p><p>But now that Ten has planted the idea in his head, he can’t help but think about it each time Christmas is mentioned. </p><p>When Doyoung and Jaehyun move a huge Christmas tree into the living room, Taeyong thinks of Baekhyun, and when they make plans for their fraternity Christmas, Taeyong thinks of the Christmas he could have if he had just brought it up.</p><p>It’s too late now. </p><p>Taeyong had checked flight prices just before he started preparations for their grand Christmas meal, and he’d have to sell a couple of organs if he still wanted to buy a ticket. He wasn’t the only one that wanted to get home for Christmas, and the prices of flights had skyrocketed since he checked just a month ago. </p><p>He cooks a great Christmas meal, and when everyone has finished eating they gather around the Christmas tree, Taeyong starts to think about it again. </p><p>He had talked about Christmas with Baekhyun, but with much hesitation. </p><p>Christmas was where they broke up last year, which made it a sensitive topic - and he wasn’t sure he wanted to know Baekhyun’s plans for it, afraid it would bring up the sore spot from last year. </p><p>Baekhyun had mentioned it casually - they were hosting a small stay-back Christmas with all the exchange students and Taeyong had said he’d been going home to his parents. They’d left any talk of the holidays at that. It didn’t make Taeyong any less keen on going to visit him, quite the opposite - they still have so much to set right, something Taeyong feels is only possible face to face. </p><p>Christmas is too romanticised, Taeyong thinks. </p><p>There’s a whole pile of presents underneath the tree. They’d decided against secret santa, instead getting each other small harmless gifts such as socks, candy, and apparently <em>sex toys</em> as Jaehyun opens up a pink box. </p><p>“There are children here,” Doyoung comments, gesturing at their three youngest. They’re all entirely unbothered, probably immune to anything Johnny and Jaehyun could possibly do. </p><p>“Look who’s talking,” Johnny retorts, making a face at Doyoung. They’re still not letting him live down the fact that he had sex in the pool on that one ski-trip last year, Doyoung’s name in their group chat still <em>Doie the exhibitionist</em>. </p><p>Taeyong laughs, a warm and heartfelt laugh. He loves these people so much, they’re truly family to him. </p><p>They laugh together, cry together and so far there hasn’t been anything they can’t get  through together. Although he takes all credit for getting over his ex and turning it around into something new, he’s not sure he could have done it without them. </p><p>Their newest additions fit right in and all look happy to be here, all three equally as excited as they exchange presents within the group, truly fitting into their group as well as Taeyong had hoped for. </p><p>As the night goes by the pile of presents decreases into a lot of wrapping paper and pairs of socks all around the living room. </p><p>Johnny grabs the very last present from under the tree, an envelope wrapped very neatly, and places it in Taeyong’s hands.</p><p>Taeyong frowns, turning it over to look at the back. </p><p>It does have his name on it, in Doyoung’s very neat handwriting - the paper tucked together very nicely into a Christmas themed envelope. </p><p>When he looks up, everyone is staring at him - the living room suddenly very quiet, save for Mariah Carey in the background. </p><p>“Go on,” Jaehyun urges, leaning over to get a better look at Taeyong. </p><p>Taeyong frowns, but does as told, carefully tearing the wrapping to open up another white envelope. The envelope inside is unsealed, and he only has to fold it open to pull out the contents.</p><p>His heart stops when he sees the Delta Airlines logo, eyes widening as he pulls the paper out further and realises he’s holding a return ticket to Vancouver. </p><p>His mouth hangs open as he looks at it, unable to believe what he’s reading. </p><p>“What?” He says out loud, stroking his fingers over where it says Lee Taeyong. “W-what is this?” he asks, hands shaking as he looks at it. </p><p>“It’s a plane ticket, silly,” Doyoung says, reaching over to pat Taeyong’s knee. </p><p>“I know but-” Taeyong is dumbfounded, staring down at it again. “I can’t-” </p><p>“I talked to Baekhyun,” Doyoung explains. Taeyong’s heart explodes. </p><p>“<em>What</em>?” Taeyong asks, staring at Doyoung open-mouthed.</p><p>“He said he <em>really</em> wants you to come, but since both of you are too stubborn to bring it up - we had to take matters into our own hands,” Doyoung explains. “It’s refundable, in case you disagree.”</p><p>“He said that?” Taeyong tries to say, realising only now what this implicates - but his voice betrays him, and he chokes on a sob, the ticket falling down onto his lap as he starts crying. </p><p>Doyoung moves to sit next to him, putting his arms around Taeyong’s shoulders and pulling him in for a hug. Taeyong sobs into his shoulder, still trying to process that his brothers bought him a plane ticket to see Baekhyun. </p><p>He’s going to <em>see</em> him after so long, they will finally be together again. Christmas be damned, he just wants to see Baekhyun. </p><p>“Thank you,” Taeyong breathes out, looking around the room. His vision goes blurry with the tears in his eyes. “You really didn’t have to do this, it’s-”</p><p>“Don’t be ridiculous Taeyong,” It’s Johnny speaking, sitting down on the other side of him, putting a comforting arm around his shoulder. “It was Mark’s idea, but we all thought you needed it, so we all pitched in.” </p><p>Taeyong cries even harder at that, looking up to try and find Mark, who sits a few chairs away from him, staring at his hands with a blush on his cheeks. </p><p>Taeyong gets up, yanking Mark to his feet and pulling him in for a bone crushing hug. </p><p>“Thank you,” he pleads, pressing a wet and sloppy kiss to Mark’s forehead. </p><p>“Well it was Ten who brought it up but-”</p><p>“I’ll thank him too,” Taeyong promises, then pulls the rest of his brothers in for a hug one by one and praises them in thanks. He’s so lucky to have these people in his life, words come short to express just how he feels. </p><p>When he’s gathered himself enough to speak up, he looks at the ticket again and carefully inches it out. The date says 24th - an early morning flight, which will have him in Vancouver a little after 10 - just after Baekhyun finishes his last exam. All the pieces are coming together, and Taeyong feels like crying again. </p><p>The 24th. Today is the 18th. That’s less than a week away.  </p><p>He’s seeing Baekhyun in less than a week.</p><p>“Can I um…” Taeyong says, looking at his phone on the coffee table. “I have to call him.” </p><p>“Yes, go!” Jaehyun encourages, and Taeyong grabs his phone, nearly breaks his neck over some wrapping paper as he bolts up the stairs. </p><p>He hits the call button before he’s even reached his bedroom, Baekhyun answering the phone as soon as he places it down on his nightstand.</p><p>Baekhyun looks tired, wearing a big hoodie and sweats as he sits down in front of the camera. “Hey,” he greets, and he looks so soft, Taeyong wants to reach through the screen and dive into his arms.</p><p>Soon. </p><p>“I have a surprise,” Taeyong says, a little out of breath. He grabs the envelope that’s still half open, holding it out in front of the camera for Baekhyun to see. “It’s a plane ticket, to you - a ticket to see you.” </p><p>Baekhyun’s face lights up, a secretive smile stretching over his lips. </p><p>“It’s real,” he says, leaning forward to get a better look at it. “When Doyoung called me I thought he was joking.” Baekhyun admits. </p><p>“They bought me a plane ticket for Christmas.” Taeyong explains, suddenly a little shy. “It’s refundable of course, Doyoung’s doing.”</p><p>Baekhyun snorts. “Wouldn’t have expected anything less from him,” he pauses and nervously runs a hand through his hair. “You’re not going to cancel it, are you?” </p><p>“Of course not,” Taeyong says. “Unless you want me to?” </p><p>“Please don’t,” Baekhyun pleads. </p><p>“It’s the 24th… that’s six more days,” Taeyong says, the words still foreign to him, like they’re still hard to believe.  </p><p>“Yeah,” Baekhyun agrees, equally as nervous about it suddenly. “I can’t wait,” he admits a little shyly, and Taeyong can’t help the warm feeling he gets all over, just thinking that in six days he can kiss that smile on Baekhyun’s face. </p><p>“I need to get back to them, I just wanted to call you to tell you,” Taeyong decides then, thinking he couldn’t leave his brothers just like that. Baekhyun nods to agree. “So, I’ll talk to you later.”</p><p>“Or see me in six days?” Baekhyun offers with a wink, and Taeyong can’t help but laugh, still trying to come to terms with how this is <em>real</em>, he’s seeing Baekhyun in six days. “Taeyong,” Baekhyun says then, something uneasy to his tone.</p><p>“Yeah?” Taeyong asks, searching for Baekhyun’s eyes on screen. </p><p>“I love you,” Baekhyun says. It almost sounds casual, like he didn’t have to think about it - but it’s <em>not</em> that easy. Taeyong had been thinking about it all year, and how they haven’t said it to each other until now. </p><p>“I love you too,” He doesn’t have to think about <em>that </em>for very long, the answer so obvious when it’s Baekhyun asking. </p><p>↔️</p><p>Doyoung drives him to the airport on Christmas Eve. It’s early in the morning and none of his frat brothers are awake, all settling for saying goodbye to him the night before. They love him and wish him well, but wouldn’t sacrifice a wink of sleep for it. Taeyong hadn’t expected any less. </p><p>Besides, Taeyong had specifically asked Doyoung to drive him.</p><p>“Do you have everything? Tickets, passport?” Doyoung asks again as he stops the car. Doyoung had offered to follow Taeyong inside, but it was Christmas Eve and so very early in the morning, Taeyong hated to keep him waiting any longer and insisted he would be fine on his own. </p><p>However, he feels some hesitation to get out of the car - because once he goes, there’s no turning back. Doyoung can tell.</p><p>“I’ve got everything,” Taeyong assures, nodding to himself. </p><p>“You know I can still turn the car around and drive you home right? You can spend Christmas with me and Chanyeol and-” Doyoung offers, always there to give him a way out. </p><p>“No offense but I would rather spend Christmas alone at the airport than with you two,” Taeyong points out. Doyoung chuckles.</p><p>“Seriously, if you need an out let me know, the ticket is flexible and you can come home whenever you want. I’ll be here to pick you up,” Doyoung promises, reaching over to grab Taeyong’s hand. It’s a small gesture, but Taeyong revels in the soothing touch. </p><p>“I don’t think that will be necessary,” he says after taking a deep breath, considering his options. He’s of course <em>nervous</em> to see Baekhyun after almost a year, but he’s more worried that once he sees him, he won’t know how to let him go. One week won’t be enough. </p><p>“It won’t be,” Doyoung agrees. “You’re going to be fine,” he lets go of Taeyong’s hand, instead leaning over from the driver’s seat to wrap him up in a hug. </p><p>Taeyong sighs into the embrace, closing his eyes as he inhales Doyoung’s scent. It’s familiar and comforting, and he’s going to need that to stay calm during the rest of the trip. If only Doyoung could just get on the plane with him and drop him off on Baekhyun’s doorstep. </p><p>“Alright,” Taeyong says when he pulls away, opening the car door. “I need to get going, or I’ll miss my flight, and then I will have to spend christmas with a <em>married</em> couple.”</p><p>“Not married!” Doyoung corrects as Taeyong gets out of the car. He follows suit, helping Taeyong get his bags from the backseat. It’s just a backpack and one carry on - after all he won’t be gone for more than a week. </p><p>“Thank you for the ride,” Taeyong says, <em>and for everything else</em>, he wants to add. He wouldn’t be doing this if it wasn’t for Doyoung (or all of his brothers) pushing it. As much as he claimed he had it figured out on his own, a little support and a push in the right direction turned out to be what he needed.</p><p>He goes through the security checks at the airport relatively fast, soon finding himself waiting outside the gate with more than an hour to spare before boarding starts. He sits in one of the uncomfortable airport chairs, staring down at his phone. He considers texting Baekhyun, but it’s even earlier on the other side of the continent, so Taeyong decides against it. </p><p>A woman sits with a baby on her lap, trying to entertain the kid to keep them quiet. The kid seems very interested in Taeyong, continuously looking at him with newfound interest and Taeyong looks back, smiling back at the kid.</p><p>The woman seems a bit startled, apologising nervously when the baby starts pointing at him and babbling excitedly. “I’m sorry,” she apologises, “he hasn’t seen his dad in so long, he’s very high energy today.” </p><p>“You’re flying out to see him?” Taeyong asks, taking any distraction he can get from the endless waiting game.</p><p>“Yes, my husband works in Vancouver.” She explains, and Taeyong nods. It puts some perspective on his own relationship - there are people with families doing this long distance thing, so what gives Taeyong the audacity to think that he can’t do it? “You’re going to visit family too?” </p><p>“Um, no,” Taeyong blushes, shaking his head. “My…” … friend? Boyfriend? Taeyong nearly breaks his brain trying to find a word for it. “Boyfriend,” he finally settles for it, thinking he can be a little bit hopeful - it is Christmas after all. “He’s a student there.” </p><p>The woman seems to sense his uncertainty, giving him a comforting smile. A voice on the intercom announces that they’re going to start boarding, families with children asked to go first, which is her cue to leave. </p><p>“I hope you have a happy Christmas,” she tells him, before putting her baby back in the carrier and heading towards the gate.</p><p>↔️</p><p>Taeyong has no patience left when the flight finally touches down. For the entire duration of the flight he had thought about Baekhyun, about what it would be like when they finally saw each other again. He had fantasized through just about every reunion scenario in his head, which made him even more impatient to see him, to finally know what it’s like to be together again after so long. </p><p>He hates it, but he’s that person that stands up the moment the seat belt sign goes off and yanks his bag out of the overhead compartment, marching through the aisle decisively. The woman with the baby sits a few rows ahead of him, and gives him a supporting thumbs up, the baby waving happily. Taeyong thinks that if he has managed to get a mom with a baby on his side, then he might really be unstoppable, excusing himself to pass by other passengers. </p><p>While he dodges slow walkers he fishes his phone out of his pocket. There’s a new message from Baekhyun, but he presses the lock button to get his screen to fade. He doesn’t have time to stop in a public bathroom and check out if he looks decent, settling for a quick check in the reflection of his phone screen. It’s not like it matters, he could show up in pyjamas and Baekhyun would probably still take him home. </p><p>He does check on the message while he waits in the queue for the passport control. </p><p>
  <strong>im here!!</strong><br/>
<strong>cant wait to see you</strong><br/>
</p><p>It’s just a short message, exactly what he had expected from Baekhyun. By the timestamp he can tell that Baekhyun has been here for a while already, and he curses whoever is in front of him in the queue for taking such a long time. There should be an express lane for people in love that haven’t seen each other for over a year. Taeyong would be at the front of the line. </p><p>“Are you in a rush?” The family in front of him poses, sensing how restless Taeyong is as he tries to look at things to distract himself. </p><p>“Kind of,” he admits. He has nowhere to be, except for in Baekhyun’s arms - and it’s not like they have opening hours, but he’s so high on the rush of anticipation that feels like he’s in a hurry.</p><p>The woman steps aside kindly, making a hand gesture for him to skip ahead. “You seem like you have somewhere to be,” she says, and Taeyong is starting to feel more like Julia Roberts in a romantic comedy, the universe seemingly clearing the path for him to get where he needs to be.</p><p>“Thank you!” He says a little too quickly as he skips ahead of them. “Merry Christmas,” he adds for dramatic effort, the woman returning the greeting equally as cheerful. </p><p>He nearly hits the customs worker when he thrusts his passport through the glant in the booth. They seem to get his urgency, doing a one over on the passport, stamping it before Taeyong pulls it back and crowds up to the sliding doors. They open so slowly that he angles himself to squeeze through sideways, the doors clearly not onboard with his romantic comedy scenario.</p><p>When he comes through the exit doors, he feels a little bit lost. There are a lot of people staring at the door anticipatingly, none of them flaring up at the sight of Taeyong, so he slowly walks into the mass of people. </p><p>The anticipating is wearing off a little, until he suddenly hears a very familiar voice. “Taeyong!” </p><p>He whips around so fast he nearly loses his balance, eyes searching around the crowd to finally find who he is looking for. He feels so anxious now that they’re eye to eye, with only a little bit of distance between them. People keep walking between them, clearly not in on the plot of Taeyong’s romantic comedy, but he doesn’t <em>care</em> as he sprints through the mass of people, <em>finally</em> throwing himself into Baekyhun’s arms. </p><p>It does seem that Baekhyun is in on the movie plot, standing sturdy as Taeyong latches onto him - anticipating just how eager Taeyong is to see him. Taeyong buries himself in Baekyun’s chest, resting his face in the crook of his neck as he inhales deeply - he’s missed it so much, the scent, the feeling of Baekyun’s arms wrapping around him and pulling him in tight.</p><p>As the script says, Taeyong has an epiphany right then and there. The hopeless pining and nervous phonecalls they’d had - they were all <em>stupid</em>, the if-thens, they didn’t matter, because it was all very simple. It always will be. He’s here in Baekyun’s arms and there’s nowhere else he belongs, that’s all there is to it.</p><p>He doesn’t realise there are tears streaming down his face until he pulls away to look into Baekhyun’s eyes, and Baekhyun reaches out to wipe those tears away. His thumb brushes across his cheekbone and like a conditioned reaction Taeyong can’t keep himself together and surges forward to kiss him. </p><p>It’s a kiss with almost a year of longing behind it, and Taeyong wants to sob in relief as Baekhyun kisses him back. He feels the kiss in his entire body, like he’s going to burst if Baekhyun’s arms don’t stay around him and keep him in his place. It’s hard to grasp that this is <em>real</em>, that it is not just another dream where he will wake up to find Baekhyun is not there, and that the touch is just his imagination.</p><p>It’s not, they kiss with such urgency Taeyong cannot for a second fool himself to think it’s anything but real. His head is full of nothing but Baekhyun and it’s a mix of happy and relieved, all in all so overwhelming that Taeyong can’t do anything but kiss him back, trying his best to blink away the tears. Every nerve ending feels like it’s on fire, the room spinning just like his head - all Taeyong can do is hold onto Baekhyun to make sure he doesn’t fall over. </p><p>He tastes like sugared morning coffee but also so distinctly him that Taeyong never wants to let go. He’d happily end here, in Baekhyun's arms, a final resolute end to their movie.</p><p>While the ending credits of his movie roll, he pulls away and looks around the two of them. They’re still in public, the crowd around them easily forgotten, but it’s fine. They’re in an airport around Christmas time, it’s probably not the worst thing the audience has seen.</p><p>Baekhyun reaches down between their bodies to grab his hand, interlacing their fingers. Taeyong squeezes his hand anxiously, as if letting go would mean Baekhyun walks away. Baekhyun grabs his bag from the floor, slings it over his shoulder, and then starts walking the two of them towards the exit.</p><p>↔️</p><p>The train ride home feels like forever. Baekhyun doesn’t live too many stops away from the airport, but Taeyong is cold and it’s crowded in the train, which leaves the both of them standing next to each other. Taeyong wants nothing more than to throw himself at Baekhyun, press so close to him to ensure there’s no space between them. He’s still not sure it’s real, that Baekhyun is here next to him - that they’re together again after so long, so he doesn’t dare to let go of Baekhyun’s hand for all of the ride. </p><p>They keep stealing glances at each other, Baekhyun looking at him in such a way that he can’t help but blush. It feels new all over again, like when they first met each other and everything was new and exciting. It’s not the first time, but Taeyong still feels giddy with anticipation as Baekhyun squeezes his hand affectionately. Baekhyun’s free hand rests on the small of Taeyong’s back, a soothing but firm touch to keep him grounded.</p><p>It’s a short walk from the metro station to Baekhyun’s apartment, but for Taeyong it feels like ages. Even the elevator ride up to the 8th floor seems to go slowly, Taeyong sighing happily when Baekhyun finally opens the door. </p><p>He’s seen the place on camera so he’s vaguely familiar, but let’s himself be walked in by Baekhyun, who is still carrying his bag. They stop in the middle of the hallway, Baekhyun putting his bag down and finally really <em>looking </em>at Taeyong.</p><p>He steps up closer, their toes almost touching. It’s surreal to be able to look into Baekhyun’s eyes like this, so close and so <em>real</em>. </p><p>“Hey,” Baekhyun whispers. Taeyong smiles, still so overwhelmingly happy to finally see Baekhyun again. He’s real, and he’s still just as gorgeous as Taeyong remembers him, from the scrunch of his eyebrow, to the alluring look in his eyes to the small smile lines by his lips. Taeyong could just <em>kiss </em>him.</p><p>So he does, eyes falling shut as he leans forward to slot their lips together. It’s different from the airport, more intimate with the way Baekhyun’s hand comes up to his head, fingers brushing through Taeyong’s hair. </p><p>It’s just that for a moment, a simple kiss that Taeyong tries to savour with everything he has. He has a whole week to kiss him, but it still doesn’t feel real that he gets to do it, that there’s no catch, that Baekhyun won’t disappear into thin air the moment that he pulls away. Just to be safe, he puts his arms around Baekhyun’s neck to make sure he stays close, their lips softly pressing together. </p><p>Taeyong lets him take the lead, familiar and comforting as Baekhyun guides him through his apartment. He doesn’t get to see any of the kitchen or living room, occupied as Baekhyun holds onto his hips and slowly walks him backwards to what he presumes is his bedroom. </p><p>They break apart only for Baekhyun to shut the door behind them, both out of breath from a kiss that started seemingly innocent, but quickly turned into a year of piled up sexual frustration needing an out. The next kiss is hastier, more tongue and clashing of teeth as Baekhyun backs him up against the door. Taeyong wants this so much, the touch so addicting there’s a reverent rush to him that he needs <em>more</em>, before it disappears again. </p><p>There are no words exchanged as they make it to Baekhyun’s bed, Taeyong pulling off the sweater he’d worn on the plane. It’s easy and familiar to get him undressed but Taeyong’s heart races for every step of it. He still can’t believe it’s happening, his hands shaking a little as he pulls on Baekhyun’s shirt. Baekhyun catches it, grabbing both his hands to still them. </p><p>“Hey,” he murmurs, leaning back to give Taeyong some space. Taeyong whines when he pulls away, chasing his lips for a moment until he’s too far away and he lies back down in defeat. </p><p>It’s so overwhelming, Taeyong’s so hot all over and a single touch of Baekhyun squeezing his hand makes him go haywire. All the anticipation that had built up over the past months was finally coming down to this, and even if Taeyong had told himself not to get his hopes up, he couldn’t deny that he’d been thinking about it so much. </p><p>He’d thought about it in the loneliest hours of the night, when all he yearned for was Baekhyun’s touch, to be in the arms he’d said he’d never leave. He’d sobbed, screamed and yelled until his lungs threatened to collapse and he felt bitterly defeated over him, yet here is back, in his arms. Now that he’s here, all of that comes back to him, reminding him how much he’s missed this and how much pain he’s gone through just to be here again. </p><p>“Sorry,” Taeyong apologises, but there’s a hitch to his voice and he can feel the tears build up on his lashlines, exhaling shakily.</p><p>“Hey, don’t be sorry,” Baekhyun mumbles, reaching up to wipe a tear out of the corner of Taeyong’s eyes. “What’s wrong baby?” </p><p>Taeyong tries to blink away the tears, because this is not how he planned for today to go: get back into Baekhyun’s bed and start sobbing. Still, he feels so much right now there’s nothing else he can do. All the emotions he had barely allowed himself to feel for the past months are coming up, and they’re suffocating him until all he can do is cry. </p><p>Baekhyun seems to get it, gently moving him over so that Taeyong is cuddled up into his side, safely wrapped up in his arms. He runs a hand through Taeyong’s hair, whispering soothing sweet nothings to him as he cries. It’s a huge relief to finally be able to let it all out but also have someone there to keep him together as he cries it out. Baekhyun understands without saying anything, cuddling Taeyong until his cries turn into sniffles and he falls silent. </p><p>“I’m sorry,” Taeyong excuses himself, wiping his snot on his sleeve. It’s gross, but he doesn’t want to get up right now, so content to finally be back in Baekhyun’s arms. “I didn’t think I-”</p><p>“You don’t have to explain, baby,” Baekhyun hushes him, brushing his hair out of his face. </p><p>“We should talk,” Taeyong does say, taking a deep breath in an attempt to gather himself. It’s futile, because he feels just as overwhelmed again the moment he looks at Baekhyun. </p><p>“You’re right,” Baekhyun agrees, humming. “I need to apologise,” he goes on, and Taeyong is about to object but Baekhyun puts a finger to his lips. “I shouldn’t have left like that.” </p><p><em>Like that</em> had been a bitter early morning one too many months ago. It’s a distant memory to Taeyong, one he can’t think back to without feeling the excruciating pain of it. It had not been Baekhyun’s fault, they’d fallen into that mess together and thought naively there would be an easy way out. </p><p>As if there was ever an <em>out</em> when it came to them. </p><p>“We both agreed that it was the best option-” Taeyong says. </p><p>“Will you let me talk, or do I have to shut you up?” Baekhyun threatens, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. Taeyong giggles but goes quiet.</p><p>“It was stupid, our decision,” Baekhyun goes on, “and you know it was, we couldn’t even go without each other when we were living five minutes away from each other, why did we think it would be any better when we’re miles apart?”</p><p>Deep down inside Taeyong never believed that he could, but he had hoped Baekhyun would be better at it. It’s why he’d patiently waited for him to pull the plug that cold December night last year, why he’d felt the start of the end even before then. Baekhyun is the stubborn one - the one to use his head to make the decisions his heart offered him. All Taeyong has is intuition, a gut-feeling that he never wants to let Baekhyun go. </p><p>“That was stupid, we only hurt each other,” Baekhyun admits. “I wanted to call you <em>every </em>day, so badly. The first week here I wanted nothing but to go back and be with you again.” </p><p>Taeyong sucks in a sharp breath. It’s what he’d wanted to hear all along, that Baekhyun was just as miserable as him, that they had an equal amount of sleepless nights trying not to think of each other. Longing so much for a sign that Baekhyun was still thinking about him, it made him feel <em>empty</em>.</p><p>“Then you started texting and I…” Taeyong blushes, remembering the mass of double texting he’d done back when he didn’t think Baekhyun was reading them. “I was hoping you had moved on, because I didn’t want you to be hurt over me, it’s not fair - I was so awful to you and I-”</p><p>Taeyong can’t hear it, not another word of Baekhyun talking himself down, so he cuts him off again. This time it’s not verbally, cutting his lips with a short kiss. </p><p>“I thought I told you to stay quiet,” Baekhyun says, a little breathless when he pulls away. Taeyong looks at him knowingly, tilting his head. He still hasn’t said a word. </p><p>There’s still some sadness lingering in Baekhyun's tone, hesitation in his voice as he goes on. </p><p>“I wanted to message you back, but that was selfish - you deserved better,” he explains. “But you didn’t stop, and then you sent that photo from my bed and I…” Baekhyun sighs. “I gave up.” </p><p>There’s a pause of silence between them. Taeyong takes it as his cue to speak up. “I’m glad you did,” he admits softly. “I would have waited until you got back.” </p><p>He’s not afraid to admit it to himself now that he’s back in Baekhyun’s arms.</p><p>“I know you would have,” Baekhyun admits. “It’s not fair, you’re too good for me.” </p><p>“Shut up,” Taeyong breathes, “now it’s my turn.” Taeyong goes on, this time putting a finger to Baekhyun’s lips to quiet him. </p><p>“I don’t care where you go, I just want to be with you, no matter how far apart we are.” </p><p>It should be difficult to say, but Taeyong has no reservations and Baekhyun is an eager listener, not going anywhere as Taeyong finally gets to say his piece. It’s liberating, his chest  so much lighter now that he’s got this out of the way. The sleepless nights, the aching empty feeling - it all feels far away. </p><p>“You’re right,” Baekhyun agrees. “Let’s do that then.” He hums, and Taeyong kisses him again, as if to seal the deal. </p><p>They make out lazily, until Baekhyun's stomach rumbles loudly and he admits he was too nervous to have breakfast and he’s actually starving. He offers to make lunch, and Taeyong takes the opportunity to take a shower, eager to get the plane air off him. </p><p>When he comes out of the shower and gets dressed (he steals one of Baekhyun’s shirts for old times sake), Baekhyun is in the kitchen, stacking pancakes onto a plate. He’s not the best cook, and Taeyong could probably do a better job himself (at least his pancakes look a lot nicer because he <em>does</em> have the patience to wait with flipping them) but it’s the idea that Baekhyun made them that makes it taste ten times better than at home. </p><p>They have lunch together, easily falling back into their same patterns. Baekhyun talks about his classes, about his friends - about the hellish exam he had that same morning. Taeyong in turn goes on about his brothers, his rushees and everything else that the fraternity and university put on his shoulders. It’s very uncomplicated, nothing like the heavy conversation they had before.</p><p>Later that same afternoon Baekhyun’s roommate returns, Yifan. He’s tall, a little intimidating at first sight but surprisingly easy going when he starts talking. Of course he’s heard a lot about Taeyong (Taeyong’s heart still flutters a little when Yifan makes it obvious that Baekhyun won’t shut up about him) - and Taeyong has heard only good things about Yifan, which makes it a surprisingly easy match. </p><p>They spend the evening curled up on the sofa, trying not to make Yifan feel like a third wheel (and failing, but he’s too kind to say something about it), watching a sappy Christmas movie on Netflix. </p><p>Falling asleep in Baekhyun’s arms is all Taeyong wanted, and possibly the best Christmas gift Taeyong’s brothers could have gotten him. </p><p>↔️</p><p>It’s Christmas morning and Taeyong is happy. Maybe the Christmas movies on Netflix are stupid, but he couldn’t be happier than waking up in Baekhyun’s (admittedly small) bed, looking out the window and seeing the snowflakes drizzle down over a grey city. </p><p>It doesn’t have much to do with Christmas - but everything with the man that’s next to him, still asleep. Taeyong can’t blame him, he’s still a little bit jet lagged - awake in a time zone three hours ahead. It’s not even eight a.m.  yet Taeyong feels wide awake. </p><p>He spends a little too long just watching Baekhyun sleep, watching his lashes on his cheeks, the small pout his lips form as he rests, the way his chest rises and falls. He could look at him like this all day, but they have plans today and Taeyong is eager to get up. </p><p>There are so many unread messages, a lot of friends and family wishing him a merry christmas, even a picture of Donghyuck with a christmas hat and his parents in the background. Then there’s the group chat which he’d ignored by choice all of yesterday, over a hundred new messages. Most of them are house related, Johnny and Jaehyun the only ones left at home over Christmas to hold down the fort. </p><p>He looks out the window, the snow covered streets stretching out in front of him. The snow had been there yesterday, but he had been too preoccupied to really see it. Even now, he can’t help but look back at Baekhyun’s sleeping frame still curled up in the sheets. </p><p>It’s cold in his room, so Taeyong simply grabs his charger and gets back in bed. He can stay there until Baekhyun wakes up, soaking in the body-heat from his boyfriend. </p><p>Not much later Baekhyun wakes up too, stretching out his stiff joints as he curls in on Taeyong, pulling him into his hold. “Good morning” he murmurs, pressing a kiss to the crown of Taeyong’s head. </p><p>Taeyong could cry, he’s missed this so much - but he cried yesterday and he’s not about to do it again, not when he can just kiss Baekhyun instead. They kiss languidly, Baekhyun still very much sleepy as Taeyong teases small breathless noises out of him. </p><p>“Merry Christmas to me,” Baekhyun mumbles, Taeyong giggling as he pulls away. </p><p>“Yes, Merry Christmas.” Taeyong agrees, sealing their lips in a short kiss. “It’s snowing.” Taeyong points out, turning his attention back to the window. The snowflakes are even heavier now, sticking to the window before slowly sinking down, an amusing sight that Taeyong looks at a little too long.</p><p>When he turns back to Baekhyun, the elder has retrieved what appears to be a Christmas present from his nightstand. It’s a small box, wrapped very messily but Taeyong loves it all the same, taking the gift from his hands.</p><p>“I didn’t think we’d do gifts.” Taeyong says sheepishly, and Baekhyun shakes his head. </p><p>“It’s not a Christmas gift, I wanted to give it to you earlier,” Baekhyun explains, gesturing for Taeyong to go on and open it. </p><p>Taeyong does, tearing the wrapping carefully to reveal a small black box. Suddenly all his patience vanishes, and he opens it quickly to reveal a bracelet. It’s a silver anchor, small enough to sit perfectly on Taeyong’s wrists. A black leather cord is holding it on both sides to form a bracelet, and Taeyong’s heart stutters. </p><p>He’d noticed it yesterday, that Baekyun was wearing a ring, a ring in the exact same pattern - a stainless steel silver anchor that wrapped around his ring finger. </p><p>The bracelet is a perfect match to that ring and it sits very nicely on Taeyong’s wrist as Baekhyun helps him put it on. “Do you like it?” Baekhyun asks. </p><p>Taeyong can’t take his eyes off it, not the bracelet or the ring on Baekyun’s finger, and how they more or less belong together. “I can return it if you-”</p><p>“I love it,” Taeyong says, trailing his finger over the slim silver of the bracelet. It’s really pretty, Taeyong would have worn it regardless of the meaning.  </p><p>“Good, because I can’t actually return it. I bought it over a year ago, I was going to give it to you before I left but I…” </p><p>But he couldn’t have. It would be too much, a matching piece of jewelry, an anchor at that. The implications spiral in Taeyong’s head. </p><p>“Thank you. It’s beautiful,” Taeyong says, not sure if he’s referring to the ring, the bracelet or the idea itself. He spends a few moments just looking at the bracelet, trailing his finger over the ring on Baekyun’s finger, putting them together and taking a picture of it. </p><p>“I did get you something,” Taeyong says, suddenly getting out of bed. He bends down over his suitcase to retrieve something. </p><p>He wasn’t really planning on giving it to him as a gift, more like a don’t-forget-me-when-I-leave, but now seemed as good a time as any to hand it over. </p><p>“This might be silly, but it’s…” Taeyong holds out the knit work to Baekhyun, who folds it open in his lap. It’s a scarf, one Taeyong knitted himself in one of his heavier heartbreak phases. </p><p>“You made it.” Baekhyun says, examining the edges where Taeyong wasn’t very consequent in tying up the loose ends.</p><p>“I know it’s not great, and I’ve worn it so I’m sorry if it smells like me-” Taeyong explains, remembering all the phonecalls they’d had while Taeyong had the scarf on. </p><p>“Shh,” Baekhyun shushes him, putting the knit up to his nose and smelling it. “It’s amazing, it smells just like you.” Taeyong giggles. “And it’s cold here, I don’t think I’ll ever take it off. Thank you.” Baekhyun says, kissing Taeyong’s cheek. </p><p>“I was kind of hoping you could take it off right now?” Taeyong hints, smirking. “Maybe we can shower together?” </p><p>“Always the environmentalist, my Taeyong.” Baekhyun says as he folds the scarf up and puts it on his nightstand, following Taeyong into the shower. </p><p>↔️</p><p>They spend most of the day preparing for the Christmas party tonight. Baekhyun and Yifan have to bake a cake, which neither of them know how to do, which leaves Taeyong as their baking instructor on the kitchen counter, pointing out exactly what <em>not</em> to do when baking a cake and maybe distracting (one of) the cooks. </p><p>(“I think you had ulterior motives for wanting me here.” Taeyong admits, and Baekhyun has to kiss him just to prove him wrong, a little too long because Yifan pipes up that he’s “sorry but I’m wrist-deep in cake batter, can you help me?”)</p><p>The cake turns out fine and so do the three of them, all cleaning up pretty nicely for the party they’re going to. It’s a semi formal event, but with a small group of people that Baekhyun and Yifan are all familiar with. Taeyong wears the bracelet, feeling the butterflies in his tummy whenever he looks down at their interlaced hands.</p><p>Baekhyun introduces him as his <em>boyfriend</em>, which makes him feel jittery all over. He’s done it before, but this time it’s different - it’s something they had to wait almost a year for. </p><p>Baekhyun’s friends are all nice, exchange students with the same predicament of not making it home for the holidays. They greet Taeyong happily, all claiming they’ve heard so much about him and Taeyong can only hope that it’s good things. Judging from the reactions he gets, it definitely is, and he feels welcomed by them right away. </p><p>He sits next to Baekhyun during dinner, Yifan on his other side and another Chinese exchange student across from him, a small man that had introduced himself as Luhan just before. </p><p>“Oooh, so you finally did it?” Luhan pipes up, eyes drawn to Taeyong’s wrist when he reaches over the table and his cuffs ride up to snow it. “You gave him the bracelet!” Luhan exclaims happily.</p><p>Taeyong flushes as Luhan grabs his wrist over the table, examining the silver anchor. “It looks so pretty on you, you have really pretty wrists,” Luhan muses, and Taeyong feels a little flustered.</p><p>“Luhan had a great first encounter with this bracelet,” Yifan explains, gesturing down at it.</p><p>“Yifan,” Baekhyun hisses under his breath, but Luhan just laughs, shaking his head as he puts Taeyong’s wrist back down on the table carefully. </p><p>“I was in Baekhyun’s room, we were making out on his bed, and I saw the black box - then I saw the ring on his finger and I thought-” Luhan seems to find his story so funny that he chokes on his own words halfway through, whilst Taeyong feels like he might catch on fire.</p><p>“He thought Baekhyun was married,” Yifan supplies with a laugh, and Taeyong’s not even sure how he reacts, if he reacts visibly at all before he’s excusing himself to go to the bathroom. </p><p>He storms into the bathroom, heading right into one of the stalls and slamming the door shut. When he locks the door the tears in his eyes start welling up. It’s so fucked up, he’s having dinner with someone that Baekhyun slept with while they were broken up, someone Baekhyun sought out to fill the empty spot in his bed. </p><p>It’s not that Baekhyun wasn’t allowed to see other people, or like Taeyong didn’t think he deserved to be happy in the absence of Taeyong in his life. He had hoped, perhaps stupidly, that he would never have to be confronted with it. Still he feels angry more than hurt. While he was sitting at home, crying his heart out over someone who left him, that someone who left him was fucking guys that looked just like Taeyong.</p><p>They’re eerily similar now that Taeyong thinks about it - small, skinny, big eyes and a small face, the soft demeanour in which Luhan talks reminds him of how Doyoung imitates his voice when he mocks him. </p><p>It’s fucked up. Lying about it to him is equally as bad, and what really makes Taeyong cry. Baekhyun’s never lied to him before, regardless of how much they’ve hurt each other, they’ve always been honest about it. </p><p>Taeyong tries to wipe away his tears, but it’s futile, so he softly cries as he wraps his arms around himself, hoping everyone decides to void the bathroom for the coming five minutes. </p><p>They don’t. It only takes moments for Baekhyun to enter the bathroom, spotting the only locked stall and walking up to it.</p><p>“Taeyong?” He tries. Taeyong snorts at the thought of someone else being in this cubicle, Baekhyun stepping up to the door and asking for him. </p><p>“What?” He calls instead, still too annoyed to think Baekhyun’s efforts are cute. He knows Baekhyun is the best sweet talker out there, and if he says the right things (which he will no doubt do), Taeyong will come out of this stall and run into his arms, sob into his chest and get his suit tearstained.</p><p>“Are you okay?” Baekhyun asks, but it’s a stupid question, not as eloquent as he usually is. Perhaps Luhan had caught him off guard too. </p><p>So Baekhyun gets stupid answers. “What do you think?” Taeyong bites out, sniffing. </p><p>“Look, I'm sorry about Luhan. It’s not what you think.” Baekhyun says. Taeyong falls silent, as if urging him on to explain. Of course it’s not what he thinks, the textbook excuse. “We met during my first week here, and he… reminded me of you.” </p><p>It’s still not right. It doesn’t justify what Baekhyun did. It does soothe the worry that Baekhyun had carelessly sought out others to fuck for his own pleasure. He knows better by now, after the conversation they had yesterday, but Taeyong <em>always</em> worries.  “That’s fucked up.”</p><p>“I know that,” Baekhyun says. “When I told him about you and showed him your picture, he said it was fucked up, too.” </p><p>“And when was that exactly?” Taeyong poses, he keeps himself together, voice stern even if there are tears in his eyes. He’s had a lot of practice in that, when sobbing about Baekhyun was the first thing that came to mind, but he couldn’t afford to get himself upset <em>again</em>. </p><p>“After he asked about the ring,” Baekhyun answers. “I swear I didn’t sleep with him. We just kissed. I couldn’t have done more had I wanted to,” Baekhyun explains, chuckling nervously. </p><p>“I literally <em>couldn’t,” </em>he emphasizes to get the message across.</p><p>Yeah, Taeyong gets that - and he can’t help but laugh. He tastes the salty tears on his tongue when he laughs, reaching out to unlock the stall. Baekhyun steps into the cubicle with him, a tight fit but not unfamiliar. </p><p>He pulls Taeyong into his arms, running a soothing hand up and down his spine in an attempt to calm him down. It works, Taeyong resting his head in the crook of Baekhyun’s neck. “When you told me there’s no one else, did you lie?” Taeyong asks carefully. </p><p>“No,” Baekhyun assures, squeezing Taeyong’s hip. “I tried, but I could never think of anyone but you, and when they didn’t sound like you, or taste like you, <em>feel</em> like you - I couldn’t.”</p><p>Taeyong sniffles, but his heart sings under the attention. It should be obvious by now, but each time Baekhyun says it’s him, it’s only him - it confirms again he didn’t sit through months of hopeless pining for nothing.   </p><p>They stand there holding each other for a moment, Taeyong slowly but surely coming back to himself. The tears have all dried up (most of them on Baekhyun’s dress shirt, but he doesn’t seem to mind), and his head is clearer now, Baekhyun grounding him in the way he rubs small circles on his hips. From where his head is resting, he can gently press a kiss to Baekhyun’s neck, and he does so - if only to test the waters. </p><p>Baekhyun tenses up, slowly easing into the touch as Taeyong does it again, and again, this time a little higher up, that spot right below his earlobe. Baekhyun’s breath hitches at that, and Taeyong smiles against his skin, lapping over it before pressing an open mouth kiss to it. He sucks and nibbles on the skin, Baekhyun’s hands digging into his hips to keep him in place.</p><p>“Taeyong…” Baekhyun warns, trying his very best to stay still. “Can you stop that?” </p><p>Taeyong makes a sound of protest, licking over the hickey he’d just sucked onto Baekhyun’s skin, teasing the skin by peppering kisses around it. </p><p>“You always get so horny after you cry,” Baekhyun muses, and Taeyong can’t help but chuckle. </p><p>“You act like you hate it,” he murmurs, pressing his hips a little closer against Baekhyun’s, arms lacing around his neck. </p><p>“We’re in a public bathroom,” Baekhyun points out, like it’s stopped them before.</p><p>“It’s nothing we haven’t done before,” Taeyong purrs, one hand coming down to fidget with the opening of Baekhyun’s shirt, palm flat against his chest. </p><p>“Taeyong,” Baekhyun warns again, but he’s enjoying it too much and his words are empty. “All of my friends are right outside, I don’t think-” he stills Taeyong’s hand that’s trailing down between their bodies before it can go lower than Baekhyun’s belt buckle. </p><p>“Fine,” Taeyong mutters, dropping his hands in defeat. It’s an easy defeat, and he <em>knows</em> he could easily get Baekhyun to change his mind with just a few more touches, but maybe this isn’t a good idea. </p><p>Maybe they’re not the couple that fucks in bathroom stalls anymore, because they’ve grown over time from the reckless never-enough kind of love, to the one where Taeyong might just be able to keep it in his pants until they get home.  </p><p>Taeyong splashes his face with water by the sink, Baekhyun standing behind him, hand resting on his ass like he didn’t just tell him no moments before. He bats his hand away swiftly, ruffling Baekhyun’s hair before they exit the bathroom together.</p><p>Everyone at the dinner table pretends like they never left, like Taeyong’s departure hadn’t been a little too abrupt. </p><p>In a quiet moment later that night, Luhan seizes the opportunity to leave over the table and talk to Taeyong. “Hey, I’m sorry about what I said - I just want you to know that nothing ever happened between Baekhyun and I,” Luhan explains gently, suddenly a much kinder face than Taeyong had remembered. It was easier to see it now that they weren’t competing. “He had some <em>performative</em> issues.” </p><p>“For fuck’s sake Luhan.” Baekhyun whines, face palming right into the table, but Taeyong and Luhan laugh.</p><p>↔️</p><p>On the second day of Christmas, they stay in all day, making up for lost time. They can’t fit months of missing each other into one day, but they sure try, only getting out of bed for absolute necessities, like food delivery. </p><p>On the third day they do actually get out, and Baekhyun shows him around all the tourist sites Vancouver has to offer. Taeyong <em>hates</em> hiking - he dislikes most things that require a lot of physical activity, but they compromise for a walk through Stanley Park, enjoying the coastline and nature. Baekhyun takes plenty of pictures of him, and Taeyong insists they take some together as well - so he has something to look back at when he goes home. </p><p>It’s a sad thought, the mention that he has to go home at some point, already halfway through the days they have together, but it’s quickly forgotten about when they settle in one of Baekhyun’s favourite restaurants in Chinatown for dinner. </p><p>It’s late when they get home, Baekhyun’s apartment dark and quiet. It’s different from what he’s used to, living with a group of people that are there to welcome you. Baekhyun’s roommate spends a lot of time with his friends and family that live here, which leaves Baekhyun alone a lot. Taeyong tries to imagine what that must have been like, when he first moved here and kept coming back to a dark apartment, alone. Taeyong can’t imagine doing all of this <em>alone</em>, and suddenly gets it - why he didn’t text Taeyong back. Being alone here would’ve been just a little bit more lonely if he knew there was someone else, somewhere, longing for him. </p><p>It worries him that Baekhyun will be alone again the moment he leaves. He will come home to an empty and dark apartment, and he’ll lie awake in bed at night thinking about Taeyong.</p><p>“You okay?” Baekhyun asks, Taeyong’s still thinking about it when they’re cuddled up in bed. Taeyong’s in one of Baekhyun’s sweaters, but he’s still a little bit cold so he curls further into Baekhyun’s embrace.</p><p>“Yeah, I’m fine,” Taeyong assures. “How many more weeks?”  </p><p>“Hm?” Baekhyun muses, looking at Taeyong with a frown. </p><p>“Until you’re back,” Taeyong goes on, and Baekhyun seems to get it then. Taeyong had already done the math in his head, he just wanted to be sure. He just wants to hear Baekhyun say it. </p><p>“Eight more weeks.” Baekhyun says. “I’ve booked the flight already, I’ll be back on the 27th.”</p><p>Relief settles in Taeyong’s chest. Hearing that he’s already booked the flight means he <em>is</em> coming back, those memories from last summer coming back to him. He’d secretly been hoping, <em>yearning</em> for Baekhyun to come back even just for a few weeks. He made that up to hurt himself, and there’s still a part of him that’s afraid this is no different, that they’re still not on the same page. </p><p>“Hey,” Baekhyun murmurs, brushing a hand through Taeyong’s hair. “What’s up?” </p><p>“I’m going to miss you,” Taeyong just says, burying his face in the warmth of Baekhyun’s chest. </p><p>“It’s just eight weeks, and then we’ll be together again,” Baekhyun promises, and it’s enough to get the frown of Taeyong’s face. They’ll be together again. </p><p>↔️</p><p>The days go by way too fast. Taeyong tries to savour every moment of it, think about how much he’s missed this when he looks into Baekhyun’s eyes, thinks about how much he’s going to miss <em>this</em> as they wake up together and have lazy morning sex - but eventually he has to get up, get dressed and pack the last of his things. When he thinks Baekhyun isn’t looking he sneaks one of Baekhyun’s shirts into his suitcase.</p><p>Like their last dramatic movie ending, the sequel has to start with Baekhyun following Taeyong to the airport, the perfect setting for a dramatic goodbye. </p><p>It’s nowhere near as dramatic as Taeyong had anticipated. He has plenty of time left before he needs to go through security, so they settle on a small airport cafe and get overpriced coffee. It doesn’t feel like the very last coffee they’ll have together, and the way they make smalltalk doesn’t feel like something’s coming to an end.</p><p>It’s unlike their previous goodbye, which had been short and abrupt, with no sense of direction. Taeyong had felt defeated, but now as he kisses Baekhyun goodbye one last time, he feels <em>hopeful</em>. </p><p>Just eight more weeks, then they’ll be together again. </p><p>↔️</p><p>Coming home sucks. The flight is long, much longer than the flight there had felt, and there’s no Baekhyun waiting for him at the airport. Johnny and Jaehyun are there, their overkill of domesticity making Taeyong feel even worse. They ask him about his trip during the car ride home, and Taeyong shares little details about the tourist sites in Vancouver, but keeps most about Baekhyun to himself. </p><p>When he comes home he dumps his bags in his room, walking straight up to Doyoung’s room. The door is on a glant, so Taeyong peaks inside. Doyoung is alone, curled up on his bed watching something on his laptop, so Taeyong takes it as his cue to enter. </p><p>They curl up on Doyoung’s bed together. Taeyong has missed his best friend and he does not want to be alone. </p><p>“So, how was your trip?” Doyoung asks, and Taeyong does tell him everything. From how awful he’d felt when he first arrived, how he’d spent the first night crying in Baekhyun’s arms because it was all so overwhelming, to how he’d met Baekhyun’s friends and the Christmas party, the unfortunate situation in the bathroom. He confesses the conversation they had about how they felt, and how they were going to give it a shot even if they were miles apart. </p><p>“That’s good,” Doyoung assures. “I’m happy you two figured it out, you deserve to be happy, Taeyong.” </p><p>For once, Taeyong agrees. </p><p>“What’s this?” Doyoung asks, absentmindedly playing with Taeyong’s bracelet. </p><p>“Ah, it was a gift,” Taeyong says, flushing. He hasn’t taken the bracelet off since he received it.</p><p>“A gift?” Doyoung inquires, tracing his thumb over the silver. </p><p>“Baekhyun got it for me. He has a ring, it’s also an anchor,” Taeyong offers, and Doyoung hums. </p><p>“That’s cute. You two take each other down, together.” </p><p>“Doyoung!” Taeyong hisses, punching his shoulder playfully.</p><p>It’s something he can laugh about now that Taeyong and Baekhyun are in a place where Doyoung can make fun of them again. Taeyong’s heart races at the thought, so happy to have this back. </p><p>“It’s because I hold him down,” Taeyong explains, even if it’s not really necessary to add. He doesn’t hold him back, but he grounds him - Taeyong wouldn’t have it any other way. “What did Chanyeol get you for Christmas?” </p><p>Doyoung’s cheeks flush, looking down at his chest. </p><p>“Please don’t tell me if it’s something sexual, I don’t want to hear it.”</p><p>Doyoung shoves at Taeyong’s shoulder, allowing him the space to get out something from his shirt. He has a thin silver necklace on, which dips just below the neckline of his shirt. When he pulls it out, there’s a ring attached to the chain. It’s a simple matte silver band, thin and traditional. Taeyongs jaw drops. </p><p>“Oh my god!” Taeyong exclaims, eyes widening as he looks at it. “You got-“</p><p>“No!” Doyoung yells, cutting Taeyong off. “I know what you’re going to say, but it’s not like that.” </p><p>“It sure looks like that-“</p><p>“Well it’s not!” Doyoung says decisively, rolling the thin silver band between his fingers. It catches in the light, and Taeyong can see there’s something engraved on the inside of it. “We got rings, they’re just rings.” </p><p>“Is that…” Taeyong grabs the ring, canting it up in the light so see the engraving. It’s Chanyeol’s name and his birthday. “So Chanyeol has one with your name?” </p><p>“His ego isn’t that big, he wouldn’t get a ring with his own name for himself,” Doyoung explains. “But we don’t wear it as a ring because it’s not a ring.” </p><p>“I don’t have Donghyuck’s math brain, but it’s literally a ring, Doyoung.” </p><p>“Not a ring like that,” Doyoung insists, twirling it around between his fingers. “It’s just a promise.”</p><p>“<em>Just</em>,” Taeyong mocks, rolling his eyes. “That’s ridiculous. You are practically married. At 24.” </p><p>“You have matching jewellery too, now who's married here?” Doyoung argues, and Taeyong can only laugh.</p><p>They laugh together and for the first time in months Taeyong feels like Doyoung isn’t walking on eggshells around him, like he can talk about his own relationship, mock it, laugh about it all he wants. Everything is fine again.</p><p>↔️</p><p>Everything is <em>not</em> fine again. </p><p>The next day is New Year’s Eve. They’re hosting a party at their house, which means amidst the party preparations, moving furniture out of the way and securing their personal belongings, Taeyong has very little time to text Baekhyun.</p><p>When Johnny asks him to help clear the front porch (a perfect spot for a new year’s kiss, with the fireworks in the background) he thinks about that, how there’s no new year’s kiss for him. He feels like a petulant child complaining about it, because he just saw Baekhyun not long ago, so he keeps it to himself. </p><p>
  <strong>hey
i miss you. 
can we talk tonight?</strong>
</p><p>He sends just as he’s taking stock of the fridge to assure they have all kinds of alcohol in storage, cold to be served. The liquor bottles are gathered on the kitchen island, Jeno and Jaemin eagerly writing down what they have and what they need to get with a last store run. </p><p>
  <strong>ill call u later tonight</strong>
</p><p>Taeyong checks the text. It’s a little short, and he won’t admit it - but he’s a little sad. He’s mostly sad that while Johnny and Jaehyun have each other, Taeyong will have nothing. Maybe he can talk Mark into giving him a new year’s hug if he’s lucky.</p><p>“Where is Mark?” Taeyong asks. Jeno and Jaemin snicker, and Taeyong frowns. “What? What are you up to?”</p><p>“Nothing!” Jeno says, holding his hands up in defense. “Just that Mark’s not here,” he explains, trying to shrug casually, but Taeyong pricks right through these two kids that are never up to any good. </p><p>“What do you mean he’s not <em>here</em>?” Taeyong asks, trying to glare one of them down. Jeno is always the easier one to crack, but when they’re together some of Jaemin’s boldness wears off. “Where is he?” </p><p>“He borrowed Johnny’s car,” Jaemin admits. </p><p>“And?” </p><p>Jeno and Jaemin are both quiet, and Taeyong leans over the counter to get a better look at them. “And he drove up to see Donghyuck last night.” </p><p>“What?” Taeyong exclaims. “And you <em>let</em> him? You idiots!” </p><p>It’s not that bad, Taeyong thinks. It had been that bad before. Mark had been so sad over Christmas that he had considered staying home, not even wanting to see his family. Johnny had hoped that spending some time with his family would make him feel better, but he came back on the third day of Christmas with an equally sad face, just now maybe a little rounder after getting fed at home. </p><p>Taeyong still didn’t think that his little brother, the physical embodiment of evil, was a good idea for Mark, the sweetest kid they’d ever had. But the heart wants what it wants, or some poetic bullshit Jaehyun likes to wax on about when Doyoung points out he’s dating a man that still doesn’t wash his own socks. </p><p>What’s worse than Mark trying to patch things up with Donghyuck is that he’s now the only one in this house that doesn’t have anyone to kiss on New Year’s. Technically Jungwoo is single, but Jungwoo is Jungwoo and just because he’s not seeing someone, he will find someone to kiss on New Year’s eve. Even if Taeyong called Ten over, he’s not sure where kissing Ten fits into his relationship - he’s pretty confident it <em>doesn’t</em> fit at all at this point. </p><p>Which leaves Taeyong alone. </p><p>He tries to cheer himself up throughout the night by thinking that maybe he’ll call up Baekhyun around midnight. Even if they’re not in the same timezone and don’t have the same midnight, they can still talk. He can wave at a grainy pixelated version of Baekhyun. Not ideal, perhaps a little depressing - but beggars can’t be choosers. </p><p>So he mopes a little all during the evening. He’s happy to see his friends again but they all ask about his week in Vancouver and Taeyong has to recollect a week he spent with a man he’s missing tonight, and it makes him feel worse. He enjoys a bottle of wine to keep his spirits up, but everytime he sees a couple share a simple glance, he feels a little bit bitter. </p><p>Jongin sits down next to him on the kitchen counter at some point, putting a comforting arm around his shoulder. “Hey,” Taeyong greets, forcing a smile. He hopes it doesn’t look too awful, or that Jongin is too polite to mention it.</p><p>“Hey,” he greets. There’s a hint of alcohol on his breath. </p><p>Taeyong checks his phone again, still no reply from Baekhyun. He probably has his own new year’s party to attend to - Baekhyun hadn’t said where he was going last night, claiming he didn’t really have any plans.</p><p>“Do you know if Baekhyun had any plans for new years?” Taeyong asks. </p><p>“No,” Jongin says a little too quickly. “I have <em>no idea</em>, why would I know that anyway?” Jongin goes on.</p><p>“What,” Taeyong states, sliding off the counter to stand in front of Jongin. It’s a lot of words for someone like Jongin, a <em>suspicious </em>amount of words. “You know something,” Taeyong says, frowning.</p><p>Jongin flushes pink. “I don’t know anything,” he goes on, but he takes a sip of his drink to save himself the hassle of talking. Taeyong waits it out patiently, hands on his hips as he tries to pin Jongin down with his eyes. It’s not easy, because Jongin is much bigger than him and watches horror movies as a hobby - he’s not easily intimidated, if at all. </p><p>“What aren’t you telling me?” Taeyong asks, because he knows the nervous liar type very well. “He hasn’t talked to me all day, I just want to know what he’s up to,” Taeyong dramatises, but Jongin takes another sip of his drink to shut himself up. It’s a good strategy until his glass runs empty and he’s just staring at Taeyong. </p><p>“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jongin says with a giggle, hiccuping through the sentence. He’s both drunk and a terrible liar, but Taeyong’s anxious to know, he doesn’t have any patience to pull it out of Jongin. </p><p>“Where’s Junmyeon?” Taeyong demands, raising his voice to get the point across, and Jongin winces. </p><p>“I can’t tell you he’s at the airport, because then you would know,” Jongin says stupidly. He probably doesn’t even realise what he’s saying, not until Taeyong repeats it back to him.</p><p>“He’s at the airport?” Taeyong asks, his heart hammering in his chest. Jongin looks panicked.</p><p>“I didn’t say that,” Jongin points out.</p><p>“You literally just did,” Taeyong points out, looking down at the watch on his wrist. It’s half an hour until midnight. The last flight coming in is at eleven (he’d looked it up in various states of agony on lonely nights), which meant that with the drive here, he would be here… right about now. </p><p>Taeyong puts down his drink, bolts through the crowd of people in his house. The front porch is swamped with people  and Taeyong has to fight through another row of them to make it into the front yard where he can see the cars parked. </p><p>He must be in the spin-off happy ending webdrama of his movie, because just as he stands still by the fence gates he sees Junmyeon’s car park down the road. The car lights turn off and Taeyong takes it as his cue to start sprinting. </p><p>Junmyeon steps out the passenger seat, walks around the car to open the trunk. Another figure comes out of the car on the passenger side, Sehun. A little bit of hope sizzles out of Taeyong’s hands. He thinks Jongin might have just been stupid drunk  - maybe Junmyeon was picking Sehun up from the airport. He didn’t keep track of where all the Chi-Epsilon brothers went over the holidays. </p><p>Then Sehun opens the door to the backseat, and someone significantly shorter comes out.</p><p>Baekhyun. </p><p>Taeyong doesn’t know how he gets there, but somehow his feet work long enough to take  him to the car, throw himself into Baekhyun’s arms. It’s been a day but Taeyong has missed him so much, and tonight has slowly driven him insane, the lack of texts and calls that were suddenly explained. </p><p>They have an audience of Baekhyun’s friends, so Taeyong decides he doesn’t have to suck face right now, he settles for holding Baekhyun’s hands as he pulls away. </p><p>“Which one of my rats told you,” Junmyeon asks, laughing with Sehun. Taeyong giggles, shaking his head to himself. </p><p>“I figured it out on my own,” Taeyong explains, sparing Jongin his blood oath of brotherhood. “He wasn’t answering my texts. He’s never this quiet.” </p><p>“It’s kind of hard in flight mode,” Baekhyun explains. Junmyeon hoists the luggage out of the car, two suitcases, reminding Taeyong how real this is.</p><p>“What are you doing here?” Taeyong asks then, because even if he tries to put the pieces together, he still struggles to believe this is real.</p><p>“You’re not the only one with brothers that buy you a plane ticket,” Baekhyun jokes, squeezing Taeyong’s hand. “I have two more weeks off, they said I should spend it here. They emailed me the ticket this morning.”</p><p>“This morning?” Taeyong asks, the radio silence on Baekhyun’s end suddenly making sense. Baekhyun probably had other things on his mind this morning, packing his suitcase. </p><p>“They said I shouldn’t tell you, that it was a surprise,” Baekhyun explains, and Taeyong gets it, looking at Junmyeon and Sehun gratefully. </p><p>“Thank you,” is all he can say right now, but it does nothing to convey just how thankful he is. </p><p>“We missed him too, so if we could borrow him a couple days that would be great,” Sehun offers, only half-joking as they make their way inside. </p><p>When Baekhyun steps through the door, all his brothers are waiting in their tiny hallway. It’s loud and chaotic, the way they all want to hug and talk to him, but Taeyong stays close behind, not losing Baekhyun out of his sight. Chanyeol looks about ready to cry to be reunited with his best friend and Taeyong’s convinced that’s not just the alcohol talking. </p><p>When the commotion around him has died down a little, it’s just fifteen minutes to twelve. Baekhyun asks if he can put his bags away somewhere and Taeyong takes him up to his room. </p><p>For a moment he thinks back to the last time Baekhyun was in his room, getting dressed in a rush and leaving without saying goodbye properly. Taeyong is eager to get that memory out of his head, that the moment Baekhyun steps over the threshold he kisses him again, yearning to forget and create new memories here. </p><p>Baekhyun drops his bags on the floor and lets Taeyong take the lead. Taeyong pulls him to his bed, in true romantic drama fashion they nearly fall over Taeyong’s suitcase that’s yet to be unpacked. Taeyong lands on top of Baekhyun, pushing him up against the headrest and settling himself in his lap, not losing his lips for a second. </p><p>It’s the reunion sex he’d hoped for last week, but that he’d been too overwhelmed and emotional for. This time he doesn’t plan on being reduced to tears. It’s overwhelming in a different way, the need seeping into his bones as he hurries to get their clothes off.</p><p>Every moment that Baekhyun isn’t as close as he can physically be is one moment too many, and Taeyong hastily preps himself, impatiently whining into Baekhyun’s mouth with each finger he adds. </p><p>Baekhyun grabs his hips as he's positioning himself, keeping them still. There’s a worrying look in his eyes, like maybe they’re moving too fast - but Taeyong nods to assure that he’s fine, that he wants this, that he’s spent all day thinking about this and gotten himself off in the shower to the thought of it. </p><p>Fireworks go off outside as Taeyong sinks down on Baekhyun’s cock, but he doesn’t think they stand a chance against the full blown explosion in his chest, going lightheaded as he bottoms out and rolls his hips down. </p><p>Taeyong searches out Baekhyun’s hands, holding them tightly as he lifts his hips a couple times, slowly teasing a reaction out of him. The fireworks get louder, coming more frequently now. Taeyong spares the alarm on his nightstand a glance, realising that it’s just a couple minutes to midnight now. Baekhyun follows his gaze, grinning when he realises that it’s almost midnight.</p><p>“This is how you want to start the new year?” Baekhyun breathes, leaning up on his elbows to meet Taeyong halfway in a kiss. He licks into Baekhyun’s mouth, eager to taste him as he slowly rolls his hips. </p><p>“Yeah?” Taeyong teases, dropping his hips down particularly hard. Baekhyun moans into his mouth, hands squeezing where they hold Taeyong’s sides. “Think you can last that long?” </p><p>It becomes somewhat of a competition, Taeyong driving his hips down fervently to see if they can make it into the new year like this. Baekhyun thrusts his hips up to meet him, and it’s fast and rough, like all the times they fucked in Taeyong’s bed. Yet this time it’s different, with a newfound tingling in Taeyong’s fingertips and his heart hammering in his chest. </p><p>Taeyong’s toes are curling in the sheets, one hand intertwined with Baekhyun the other one resting on his chest to balance himself. He can feel the heat pooling inside him, getting increasingly more overwhelming, his hips faltering as his orgams approaches. </p><p>It’s rowdy outside, Taeyong’s window right above the front porch. Fireworks are scattering all over the sky, but the noise feels far away until it turns into counting. Taeyong can’t help but giggle, realising that while everyone is outside counting down into the new year, he and Baekhyun are inside fucking. </p><p>His friends will never let him live this down. </p><p>They both laugh as the crowd outside counts down to zero, erupting in loud cheers to wish each other a happy new year. “Happy new year,” Taeyong whispers, pausing his hips to lean down and steal a kiss from Baekhyun’s lips. </p><p>“Happy new year.” Baekhyun murmurs back, equally as breathless as his grip softens on Taeyong’s hips, stroking his hands up and down his sides carefully. </p><p>“I think this is the best new year’s kiss I’ve ever had,” Taeyong chuckles softly, rolling his hips down teasingly.  </p><p>They make it way more than a new year’s kiss. Taeyong rides Baekhyun until he comes all over himself, out of breath and panting as they listen to the fireworks going off outside, Baekhyun finishing himself off over Taeyong’s tummy. </p><p>Taeyong crashes down next to Baekhyun in bed as he tries to catch his breath. Baekhyun turns to him, grabbing his side and pulling him in closer, but Taeyong swats his hands away.</p><p>“If you do that ‘m gonna fall asleep,” he points out. “‘s bad enough we missed the countdown.”</p><p>“But then you have to get dressed,” Baekhyun hums, stealing a kiss from Taeyong’s lips. Taeyong whines in protest, shoving his boyfriend off. </p><p>They’ve got two more weeks, they can spare a few hours for their friends. </p><p>↔️</p><p>The next morning Taeyong wakes with a headache and a mouth dry as sandpaper. Last night he’d done a fair share of pity drinking before Baekhyun showed up and he's paying the price for it now. </p><p>He is alone in bed, realising this as he stretches out and notices the absence of Baekhyun. After spending the rest of the night celebrating the new year with their mutual friends, they’d retreated to Taeyong’s bedroom where they’d talked until the early hours of the morning. </p><p>They’d been a day apart and yet Taeyong felt like he had so much more to tell him, like that day had been a small eternity which they still had to make up for. It’s still a little suffocating, the feeling that he always needs more before Baekhyun slips out of his fingers again, but he’s learned to control it now. </p><p>He gets out of bed, brushes his teeth in the bathroom and washes up before he slips into one of Baekhyun’s hoodies from his suitcase and pads down the stairs. </p><p>Just as he’s about to come into the kitchen, he hears Doyoung and Baekhyun’s voices coming out, the tone anything but hostile. </p><p>“Doyoung, you don’t have to worry-”</p><p>“That’s what you said last time,” Doyoung’s voice cuts Baekhyun off. “I know you don’t like me, but I’m not out to get <em>you</em>, it’s Taeyong I’m worried about.” </p><p>“Taeyong can make his own decisions,” Taeyong holds his breath the moment he hears his name being dropped, back pressed against the wall of the staircase to stay unnoticed but still catch as much of the conversation as possible. </p><p>“Taeyong can <em>not</em> make decisions when it comes to you,” Doyoung bites out. “You’ve hurt him so much in the past so I’m just saying, if you do it again, I will-”</p><p>“I won’t hurt him again,” Baekhyun says. Taeyong’s heart flutters in his chest, a hopeful searing that makes his hands tingle. He knows Baekhyun won’t hurt him again, not after what they’ve been through - not after how much they’ve hurt each other yet found their way back together. </p><p>“That would be great,” Doyoung says. “But just in case, if you do, it won’t just be one punch.” </p><p>“Oh, I’m terrified,” Baekhyun jokes. Taeyong can practically hear him rolling his eyes. “Look, I appreciate that you care for Taeyong, but you don’t have to baby him like that.”</p><p>“I wouldn’t have to if you didn’t-”</p><p>“Good morning!” Johnny says cheerfully, interrupting the two bickering. Taeyong takes it as his cue to stop eavesdropping, entering the kitchen too. “What a lovely way to start the year you two, fighting over Taeyong.”</p><p>“I’m right here,” Taeyong pipes up, drawing the three’s attention. Doyoung looks a little embarrassed to be caught, while Baekhyun’s face softens right away, smiling at Taeyong.</p><p>“Good morning,” he says. Baekhyun gestures for him to come over, pulling him into his lap. He glances at Doyoung, whose cheeks are still a little pink from being caught in his fight with Baekhyun. </p><p>“Anyone want pancakes?” Johnny asks, breaking the awkward silence with the way he bangs the kitchen cupboard when he closes it. </p><p>“Sure!” Doyoung exclaims a little too enthusiastically. Taeyong snickers, turning his attention to Baekhyun. </p><p>“Did you sleep well?” Baekhyun asks, playing with the hair at the nap of his neck. </p><p>“Mh, missed you when I woke up,” Taeyong murmurs, leaning in to kiss him. He tastes like morning coffee with a little sugar. </p><p>“Really, right here in the kitchen?” Doyoung bites out, the sound of his chair scraping against the floor startling Taeyong. </p><p>“Doyoung,” Johnny says sharply. “Shut the fuck up, it’s not like you never-”</p><p>“Fine,” Doyoung breathes out, cutting Johnny off. Taeyong can’t help but giggle against Baekhyun’s lips, the banter fondly familiar. </p><p>He was afraid it would be awkward with his brothers at first, that they would hesitate to accept Baekhyun back into Taeyong’s life after he caused him so much pain. Instead he’s happy to find the opposite, how they’re seemingly able to fall back into the same pattern and routines even after spending so much time apart. </p><p>It makes him hopeful for the coming weeks, that even when they’re apart again, they’ll come back together and pick up right where they left off.  </p><p>↔️</p><p>Two weeks isn’t that long, but it’s long enough to get comfortable with each other again. Baekhyun unpacks his bag into Taeyong’s closet, puts his toothbrush into the glass by the sink, and puts his glasses on Taeyong’s nightstand. </p><p>He spends some days at his own fraternity house, but every night he’s Taeyong’s and Taeyong’s alone, safely wrapped in the blankets of his bed. Foolishly Taeyong lets himself believe that those nights are endless, that Baekhyun’s warm arms around him and his lips pressed to the back of his neck are going to last forever.</p><p>On their last night together Taeyong starts to get really fretful about it. They have a casual dinner with Taeyong’s brothers, who Baekhyun gets along with perfectly fine (save for maybe Doyoung). Taeyong feels a little bit desperate, but whenever Baekhyun’s attention isn’t on him, he’s a little jealous. </p><p>He holds Baekhyun’s hand under the table, a small gesture that settles the worry in his heart. After dinner Taeyong excuses them, claiming that Baekhyun still has to pack his bag, but really wanting him all to himself for the rest of the night. </p><p>“You’re so greedy,” Baekhyun tells him, when he’s finally got him alone in his bedroom, happily perched in his lap. Baekhyun sits back against the headrest, Taeyong’s thighs straining over his as they kiss lazily. </p><p>“Just want you to myself,” Taeyong breathes against his lips. He savours each kiss differently now, when the countdown in his head is down to hours. </p><p>“It’s just six weeks,” Baekhyun says, reminding him of the impending doom of their last evening together.</p><p>Taeyong pulls away, breathing heavily as he looks Baekhyun in the eyes. </p><p>“Feels like forever,” Taeyong whines petulantly. Baekhyun pricks right through it, grabbing Taeyong’s wandering hands in his. </p><p>“I’ll be back before you know it,” Baekhyun promises, squeezing his hands reassuringly. “It’s not like last time, Taeyong, I promise - it’s just for a few weeks, and then I’ll come back.” </p><p>“I know,” Taeyong says, pouting still. “I’ll still miss you.” </p><p>“I’ll miss you too,” Baekhyun assures, a comforting promise. </p><p>It is just six weeks, it’s not like Baekhyun will go back and abandon him. There won’t be an empty conversation for Taeyong to stare at. He will be counting the days until he’s back, and when he returns it’ll be the two of them again.</p><p>They won’t fall into old habits and routines. Being apart from him had made Taeyong realise why he needed Baekhyun, but also <em>what</em> he needed from Baekhyun. They could be together if they just gave each other enough space. Not miles apart, but the necessary breaks and alone time that gave them both incentives to find a way back to each other.</p><p>It wasn’t a smothering constant love, they’d tried and let that break them before. Being apart had taught Taeyong that he could still want and long for Baekhyun, without letting it consume him whole.    </p><p>When Baekhyun comes back in six weeks they’ll have fixed something that they broke - but it won’t be returned to the way it was. It’ll be different, <em>they’ll</em> be different. Taeyong can feel it in everything between them. It’s nowhere near as desperate as it once was, perhaps with some newfound coming of age wisdom that led Taeyong to believe love didn’t have to be hectic and life altering, it was enough if it just made him feel <em>good</em>. </p><p>Sometimes it could just be them - and whatever they were, it’d still be beautiful, and it’d still be enough. The memories they’d made, some painful and heartbreaking - it was all part of them, eventually shaping them to the relationship they had today. </p><p>Tomorrow they’ll say goodbye. It’ll hurt, but it won’t hurt the way it once did. Taeyong will tell him he loves him, and that he’s going to miss him. When he says it, it’ll hurt, and he might cry - but it won’t break him, because they don’t do that anymore. Baekhyun will leave, but he won’t leave him behind. When he goes, they’ll still be <em>them</em>. Full of trust and unconditional love, still them and still beautiful. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thank you so much for reading! i really hope you liked this and would love to hear your thoughts in the comments. </p><p>there are still more parts to the series, so fear not, any loose ends will be tied up in future parts:</p><p>1, 2 and 3: chanyeol/doyoung<br/>4: baekhyun/taeyong<br/>5: mark/donghyuck<br/>6: johnny/jaehyun</p><p>come find me on twitter @ohsunwrites</p></blockquote></div></div>
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